Sunday, November 23, 2008

Next stop: Nutsville



Dear Ms. "Fierce",

Last I checked, claiming you have an alter ego is more like defining yourself as a schizo than "redefining your music". And my dear musicians, please stop already with the alter egos? Damita Jo? Mimi? Chris Gaines? (Garth Brooks for you Country-music virgins). Take note Ms. Fierce, do you sense the common thread with all these musicians? They're all arguably kinda batshit crazy.

Much love,

oogie (not a fan)


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Divided we fall but united we shall conquer


November 5 was a bittersweet day for me. Still basking in the joy of Obama’s presidency, I became disheartened to hear the news that voters had voted to ban gay marriage in Florida, Arizona, and California. The day proceeded to go further downhill upon reading messages from friends who unleashed their anger upon black voters bashing them for their 70% Yes vote on California’s Proposition 8. For the two days since, I have heard so much anger coming from my gay friends and the gay community including commentary that “we elected a black president, but gays can’t marry”, “If only certain people valued my rights as much as I value theirs” “blacks think discrimination is reserved only for them”, etc. etc.

The 70% vote by blacks to ban gay marriage is undoubtedly appalling. As a black woman, I have a hard time fully grasping how a group that has been subjected to the most degrading forms of discrimination and oppression can in turn discriminate and act to prevent a group from receiving civil rights that are legally their due. Agreed, the historical and current suppression of blacks through slavery, through Jim Crow, through lynchings, through almost permanent glass ceilings, is on a different level from the current suppression of gay people. However, discrimination is still discrimination. Fundamental civil and human rights apply across all creeds and is not reserved for a group based on the severity of their maltreatment. That being said, to those of you now attacking the black race for the vote of a miniscule proportion in California, how is it helping you to point fingers and degrade, attack and pull down blacks because of a 70% vote from voters in a group that makes up only 12% of the population?

Please please, let us keep coming together as ONE and let us fight ignorance and fear together. Let us keep fighting for the cause; we should not divide ourselves with anger because the gay marriage cause suffered a temporary set back. And note, the Women’s Rights Movement did not succeed overnight and the Civil Rights Movement sure as hell did not succeed overnight. On November 4, we proved that you cannot put a black man in the White House without crossing and uniting all racial divides, sexual orientations, genders, class backgrounds, etc. It took all of us to come together to make this happen. Every single supporter is needed so let us keep fighting to inform the public and change its psyche. We have more work to do but we have NOT failed.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Changing the world, one hymen at a time


22 year-old "Natalie Dylan" is auctioning off her virginity because she (and her sister, who just happens to work in a brothel to pay for her education) "wanted to study the dichotomous nature between virginity and prostitution." You know, because there happens to be "so few case studies of it."

(Chuckles) B*tch please.

A significant number of people have unmemorable first time experiences, me included. My experience was so far from the romanticized ideal that if I could have been paid for it, I really think I may have jumped at the chance. So chicky, quit the faux-intellectual mumbo jumbo and admit that $3.8 million for your virginity is a pretty sweet financial deal. Contrary to what you and those others may say, your virginity auction does not make you a feminist, you're definitely not changing the world or writing the next Nobel-prize winning sociological thesis. You're simply trying to get yours. Because if this is not about the money (I just laughed!), then the "prize" should not go to the highest bidder. No?

Equally un-American

Obama's history-making win on Tuesday inspired celebrating and “lovemaking” with everyone encountered on the streets, but apparently this was not necessarily the norm for certain parts of the country?

Speaking to a friend back in Houston on Wednesday, he informs me that the day after, a coworker—a hardcore repug—told him "I'm on suicide watch. I'm still in shock." This obviously put a damper on my euphoric mood. Barely four months back in the Northeast and I already forgot what I learned while away: Not everyone is a liberal. Some people are the opposite, with a preference for the old guard and its refusal to come into the 20th century, much less the 21st. Usually they're a tad close-minded. And they love guns. And Sarah Palin.

I was ready to write off the entire state of Texas based on this repug's comment when I realized something: Their party just lost the presidential election by an electoral landslide. Plus, as I recall of the presidential election robberies of 2000 and 2004, didn't I and many others threaten to leave the country? The point here is, when your candidate doesn't win, especially when you believed they would, you are convinced the future is doomed, and you make threats, which goes to show that Republicans are as capable of being un-American as liberals (my logic: Threatening to commit suicide means you're un-Human. Americans are human. You are an American. Ergo you are un-American). See how Obama is already promoting unity?

So my fellow rational thinking Americans, for the next eight years, let's try not to rub it in too hard. Let's be classy, in a way the repugs were not in the past eight years, when they called our bitterness un-American, socialistic, and claimed it as proof we worshiped Satan. In the privacy of our homes, we can laugh and chuckle, and be as smug as we wish. And if we break out into grins in the middle of the street, or burst into laughter as we pinch ourselves to remind us that this is really our reality, cover with a coughing fit and keep walking.

Then I could be wrong and maybe the repug really was a racist bastard who couldn't stomach the thought of a non-white president.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Our inspiration for years to come

With tear-filled eyes, a heart overwhelmed with emotion, I heard our President-elect ask his constituents on Tuesday night, “If our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?” President Obama, I do not have to mull over my answer in search for the perfect words. Because as you stood in front of me to ask that question, you became my answer. And surely as Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Nelson Mandela, Susan B. Anthony, Harriett Tubman, Gloria Steinem, Martin Luther King, Jr., Frederick Douglass, to name so few, were (and are) the answer for the generations before me, my generation and the generations to come, what YOU represent shall be the answer for the future generations.

And Yes We Can.

And he said:



Tonight, America, we took back our country.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It's the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he's fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation's next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. And while she's no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics - you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you've sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington - it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didn't do this just to win an election and I know you didn't do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor's bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers - in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House - a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, "We are not enemies, but friends...though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection." And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America - that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing - Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons - because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Not an ounce of snark

I recently came across the best PostSecret postcard:


And I agree. I truly cannot wait to cherish each and every single laugh line and the happy moments that put it there.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Four more days before Obama wins and McCain becomes our president.

Oh ha ha! You thought the republicans and big business America will let Obama serve as the next commander-in-chief? You really must have slept through the last two elections, you sleeping beauty, you.

Then again, oh please, please prove me wrong America. I shall gladly eat humble crow.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The $150,000 Conundrum

Lately, screaming headlines abound on Governor Palin’s $150,000 clothing spree. I’m truly confounded by the outrage spewing from both the democratic and republican camps because seriously, if you’re looking for a reason to dislike Palin, her clothes are your best bet? What have you been doing these past few weeks? Living in the “real America?” I mean, really?

Personally, I’m offended by the attacks on her clothes because, giving credit where due, chick simply looks fabulous.

Exhibit A:

Or Exhibit B:



Or Exhibit C:


And can we just focus for one minute on the outfit she wore to the vice presidential debate...



Fierce! (Yes, I really did just say that).

If the repugs really are donating her clothes to charity, best believe that I’m trading in my louboutins to stand in a homeless line for a night or two.

So work it out then chick.

Seduced by a tea bag.




Perhaps the best tea endorsement I've ever heard was uttered by an acquaintance whose legendary alcoholic binges validated those conspiracy theories that the liver is just a tad overrated. In an attempt to relieve his hangover resulting from another weekend spent deep in his cups, I used him as a guinea pig to test out some samples of Mighty Leaf Organic Detox Infusion tea (yes, I remain determined to try out every single Mighty Leaf tea on the market). Ten minutes later, I receive a text from him, "Rather pepperminty with a touch of licorice flavor. Pretty tasty all around. Some brown sediment coated the cup. No discernable effects to my liver as of yet. Sexy bag."

Okay then, I’m sold?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Sadistic, much?

Evil is when a professor makes you slave away in preparation for an examination (think showers and/or sleep optional) and finally, when face to face with the exam, you realize the exam is merely an nth of the level of difficulty as was forewarned (with menacing tones added for effect) by the professor. It is undoubtedly cruel. And just plain old inhumane.

Monday, October 13, 2008

This one, not so idle.

In response to my last blog, my sister responds "lol, you're so Carrie."

Now, dear sister, I must once more beseech you thusly- As much as I love love Carrie's sense of style, if you tell me one more time that something I've done is "Soooo Carrie," I shall have you killed.

Love,
Me.

Wedding Bells



In a few short months, T, one of my dearest friends from my undergraduate years and a former partner in debauchery, is getting married. I can sincerely say that I am (was) genuinely happy for her, such that I happily sat through hour-long phone calls listening to her bemoan the cost of petunias and gardenias, and I think I even managed a semi-legitimate squeal when I saw her baby blue bridal shower invitation card replete with a miniature organza wedding dress. Of course my bliss was short-lived because fast forward to last night’s phone call with T, during which she asks me if I have a "Williams Sonoma" nearby.
"Yes, why?" I ask.
"Oh, you know, for the registry."
I brush her off to say "Well, I have time. The wedding is in January."
She chuckles- she actually chuckles- to say- "Hon, I meant for the shower."
I’m now confused. “But I was going to order the gift for the wedding."
“Noooo, you give me cash for the wedding.”

…Right…

Ten minutes of further chit-chat, I discover that I’m expected to bring a gift to every pre-wedding shindig because you know, this is “wedding etiquette” and “this is how [her] culture does it.” What Culture? Chick you’re from Kansas! But you know what, I’ll swallow my irritation and buy all $200 worth of gifts from your registry since you somehow forgot to register for anything under $50 and you just have to have two engagement parties, a bridal shower AND a bachelorette party.

However, I am now announcing to all my friends, including all nine of you who got married in the past two years and dragged me into your bridal party (because we’re SUCH good friends and if I don’t accept it’s just poor form)- I'm going to get married last and I shall make sure that I throw a wedding party attendance-mandatory (a) we're thinking about getting engaged party (b) watch us get engaged party (c) an engagement announcement party (d) an engagement party (e) a bridal shower (f) a Jack and Jill bridal shower (g) wedding dress fitting party (h) a cake tasting party (i) we broke up but got engaged again engagement party (j) bachelorette party in New Jersey (k) bachelorette party in Vegas (l) because I frigging can party (m) wedding ceremony party (n) reception day party and (o) brunch after reception party.

And like my last birthday, I’m registering at Tiffany.

This is not an idle threat. Just keep f*cking with me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Well, so much for that



This fall I started grad school in New York. I had every intention of being as unabashedly touristy as possible, but unfortunately, the feeling didn't last:

On the 1 train, into our car steps a Mariachi band. Till the next stop they perform for us

My thoughts: I love these people! They don't even realize what a service they provide for us. We're often so deprived of art and culture, so what better way to fill this hole than during our daily commute? I'll give them money.

On the way home, the band again

My thoughts: What, they're still here? Sheesh.

Monday, October 6, 2008

In Defense of Marriage*



The vice-presidential debates reminded me of one of the few unifying factors between the current republican and democratic campaigns: the refusal to acknowledge gay unions as marriage. Post-debate discussions with my fellow viewers revealed the strong and prevailing sentiment that while gay couples deserve the same civil rights given to straight couples, "marriage" should be reserved exclusively for straight couples. When pressed for reasons, I was offered reasons that included arguments that legalization would lead to the inadvertent sanction of polygamy, devaluation of marriage, and the destruction of "family values". The most confusing, and yet the one with the most support, was the argument that marriage has nothing to do with legislation or the courts, but everything to do with religion.

In that room, I sat with five impassioned and educated adults, who silenced my voice with misinformed beliefs and opinions on gay rights and gay marriage. So I am left with this forum to speak directly to you, you, and all of you who think and believe the way you do, and by so doing have acted the way you have done, and as a result have prevented tax-paying citizens from having the civil and legal rights that you get to enjoy.

To begin, I challenge those that say that marriage has everything to do with religion and nothing to do with the State. Marriage is a CIVIL INSTITUTION where our government accords legal and civil rights on the basis of that status. It is a civil institution wherein your moral and religious ideals should have no place. I ask you, why is it that marriages are not legally recognized in this country without a marriage license? Why is it that your marriage is not legal if not officiated by legally sanctioned officiant? (What? You thought your priest (or applicable religious leader) could willy nilly legally marry anyone they chose without being legally certified? In the eyes of God, yes. In the civil realm, no they cannot.) Examples abound but I shall stop from heading down this rabbit hole of proving a concept that should simply be a "duh."

Do you really think that by imposing your prejudices and phobias upon gay people- I meant to say: When you condescend to allow gay couples "civil unions" while reserving "marriage" for your precious straight couples, do you not really see the harm you're doing? Without the protection of "marriage", you are guaranteeing a sect of second-class tax-paying citizens who are subject to improper or inadequate health care and benefits, lack of rights in child custody scenarios, inheritance issues, social security and pension denials, immigration issues, etc. etc. Or how about the effect on employment, especially for those in the military? Or did you forget the brilliance that is Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Don't you dare tell me that things are coming along and gay people should be happy with the crumbs tossed to them. To date, only two states recognize gay marriage, while eight states and the District of Columbia recognize civil unions which offer varying degrees of the legal rights offered to heterosexual couples. The thing is, no one is asking you to open your churches, your mosques, temples, and prayer houses, to gay people. Nor are they asking you to find the gay lifestyle enticing. It is simply about equality, legal rights and civil rights. Something the United States Constitution guarantees and last I checked (and despite the many attempts of the current administration to whittle it down to a mockery immortalized on crumbling parchment paper), the Constitution of the United States is the ultimate, the absolute and the fundamentals of our laws.

Do not counter my arguments above by throwing your religious convictions or your bible scriptures in my face. My God is your God and OUR God is tolerant and loving. And please do not give me the family values argument or the argument that you romanticize the notion of marriage. In my experience, those who always cite their religious feelings are usually the ones with the most dirt. After all, wasn't it Senator Edwards who claimed his religious beliefs prevented him from supporting gay marriage all while mocking his marriage vows in one seedy motel room after the other. Or the many outed anti-gay legislation members of congress who are caught in compromising homosexual situations. (Larry Craig anyone?)

I am not shallow enough to believe that I can change your mind, but I am arrogant enough to try. Be human, be real. Civil unions are not the same as marriage, either in concept or legally. Fifty years ago we legally struck down the separate but equal doctrine and we began to move away from it. It was abhorrent then and while arguably in a different and more amorphous format, the doctrine should still be abhorrent today. Please listen- your prejudices and phobias have far-reaching negative effects that do not exist in a vacuum. And I swear to you, if you opened your eyes, you will see.


*The views expressed in this blog are solely those of Me. Oogie in no way contributed to the views and opinions expressed herein.

Finally! Someone who gets it right


http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2008/oct/03/sarah.palin.debate.feminism

In concurrence with the views shared in the above link, may I stress that Governor Palin SUCKED during the Vice-Presidential debates. This is despite the oh-so-knowledgeable political pundits/commentators/analysts/know-it-alls that delusionally think chick did a gosh-darned great frigging job because she "did not fall flat on her face." Or because "all things considered..." Or because you know, it's her "first time on the national stage."

Lay off the moonshine people because I must respectfully disagree; she plain-old with no caveats s-u-c-k-e-d.


And for the record, SUCKED!!

Oh, and wink.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Oh Ye of Blasphemously Little Faith


This has to be the dumbest pro-life retort I have ever heard to the pro women’s rights- I mean, pro-choice movement:

"A college professor posed the following problem to his class for their resolution.

'A young girl has gotten pregnant out of wedlock. She has a fiancée, but he is not the father. She did nothing to plan or provoke what happened; she was simply overpowered. Her fiancée, whom she loves very much, is a very scrupulous man and will probably reject her when he finds out. Her culture is also severely strict in its views about these things, so she will be subjected to very sharp public criticism and, perhaps, even punitive legal proceedings if her condition becomes known. Indeed, it is fair to say that her entire life will be permanently ruined by this pregnancy. Even if her fiancée were to take her, an early child would greatly complicate their new marriage. Both of them are already below the poverty level and will have to move away from their hometown at the height of the pregnancy. What would you recommend for this girl?'

The class unanimously recommended that she have an abortion.

'Congratulations,' stated the professor, 'you have just aborted Jesus.”

To which I say- Well that’s the great thing about him being Jesus. I guess he’ll just come back.

Friday, September 19, 2008

When life gives you lemons...

The Master Cleanse is this detox regimen where for ten days you consume nothing but a liquid diet made up of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Apparently it resets your system, boosts your metabolism, and since it's basically a fast, allows you to lose a few pounds. Inspired by friends and loving to deny myself things because it shows character, I decided to try the Cleanse. I lasted less than a day. The maple syrup will do since I eat waffles occasionally, but what shall I do with all the lemons I purchased in bulk?

Use it for house cleaning (Sorry, whenever did I strike one as being Martha Stewart-esque?)

Add a wedge to every glass of water consumed

Lemon Chicken

Lemonade

Keep one in your purse. Likely in some culture it brings prosperity/fertility/wards off evil. Plus, you can use it as mace if someone tries to attack you at night.

Before they go bad and stink up your place, keep it around for times you have friends over: “You thought I was joking right? I told you, I have like, all these lemons!”

Trash it

But in the end,


lemonade wins. There’s a slight chill in the air, but who cares? It’s still summer!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Hurricane Ike

Yes, it's been a few days since the hurricane, but I know things are still rough down there from the accounts I've been getting from family and friends ("We're living like cavemen!" from my former coworker). So to my Houston family: Love y'all, hang in there, and next time, skip town!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Parsing Palin at the RNC



After Governor Palin’s divisive and rather acrimonious speech at the Republican National Convention, I declare myself officially on the “any team but Palin’s” bandwagon. Romney’s- I mean Palin’s- speech pulled no punches as she aimed repeatedly below the belt, leaving me and the remaining clear-thinking Americans disappointed, appalled and just exhausted. Behold- excerpts from Palin’s speech:

“In our family, it's two boys and three girls in between — my strong and kind-hearted daughters, Bristol, Willow and Piper… In April, my husband, Todd, and I welcomed our littlest one into the world, a perfectly beautiful baby boy named Trig…. Children with special needs inspire a special love… Todd is a story all by himself… He's a lifelong commercial fisherman … Throw in his Yup'ik Eskimo ancestry, and it all makes for quite a package. My parents are here tonight, and I am so proud to be the daughter of Chuck and Sally Heath…” (Okay. We get it mother earth. And isn’t your husband 1/128th Eskimo?)

“I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a "community organizer," except that you have actual responsibilities. I might add that in small towns, we don't quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they are listening, and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren't listening.” (Oh Stop! You were the Mayor of a small Alaskan town; population- 5,000. Am I the only person who thinks that the only responsibility entailed late night phone calls requiring Palin to rise from bed, pad across Mrs. Jenkins lawn to ask her to head to the local watering hole to haul her intoxicated husband home? And by the by, being a community organizer- which Obama was some twenty odd years ago- is nothing to sneeze at. Way to belittle those people who step out into their communities to mobilize and energize citizens into becoming positive contributing members, especially when their government has repeatedly failed them.)

“As for my running mate, you can be certain that wherever he goes, and whoever is listening, John McCain is the same man.” (I’m sure the doctors who treated him for his last two strokes will disagree.)

“But here's a little news flash- Americans expect us to go to Washington for the right reasons, and not just to mingle with the right people.” (Oh schweetie, you’re so running for the wrong party.)

“The right reason is to challenge the status quo, to serve the common good, and to leave this nation better than we found it.” (Hee! What a gem! Did Palin even stop to process the speech that she was reading from the teleprompter? Because if so, how could she still have said that line?)

“But we are expected to govern with integrity, good will, clear convictions, and ... a servant's heart.” (Well, the last eight years and the current campaign could have fooled me!)

“But with the support of the citizens of Alaska, we shook things up.” (Seriously! Stop it with this Alaska nonsense! Before you were nominated, not only did no one know who you were, but I bet you most of your voting contingent forgot that Alaska was a state in the union!) (Editor’s note- Alaska apparently IS a state and has been since 1959.)

“I came to office [in Alaska] promising major ethics reform…” (Loves it! Now. What’s this I hear about firing your sister’s ex-husband’s boss because he wouldn’t fire him?)

“I got rid of a few things in the governor's office that I didn't believe our citizens should have to pay for. That luxury jet was over the top. I put it on eBay.” (That’s so crazy! I know a guy whose cousin’s friend’s neighbor’s mechanic bought a plane on eBay. Something about Colombia, mules and deliveries.)


“I also drive myself to work.” (Cookie?)

“This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting and never use the word "victory" except when he's talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed ... when the roar of the crowd fades away ... when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot — what exactly is our opponent's plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger ... take more of your money ... give you more orders from Washington ... and to reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world. America needs more energy ... our opponent is against producing it.” (Oh really? And what one thing did YOU say last night to show us that you care about the issues? Something specific about what you’ll change? Your policies?)

“Victory in Iraq is finally in sight ... he wants to forfeit.” (What are we ever going to do with Obama and his crazy ideas? “Victory” in Iraq has been in sight since 2003 and he wants to forfeit? Now?! The nut job!)

“Terrorist states are seeking nuclear weapons without delay ... he wants to meet them without preconditions.” (Question- Did you notice that you can’t really negotiate with people who care for nothing but martyrdom? I mean, if your target thinks little of killing themselves for a cause- exactly WHAT are you threatening them with? Or do you still think the stories of suicide bombers are just a democrat-dreamed conspiracy?)

“Al-Qaida terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America ... he's worried that someone won't read them their rights?” (YES!! As we should all be! The current administration has whittled down human rights to the point where America is the biggest international embarrassment out there. I know you’re not a lawyer, but it’s “innocent until proven guilty.” Not “you look like an Arab; therefore guilty.” Did you forget about the numbers of Guantanamo Bay detainees who have been tortured and held for years on end, only to be released with a “my bad?” What do you think happens after? They go home singing God Bless America? They all deserve their rights; even if it’s to make one less mistake.)

“Congress spends too much ... he promises more.” (I think the war in Iraq, for which “[victory is in sight]” has something to do with it? Call me crazy…)

“As the story is told, ‘When McCain shuffled back from torturous interrogations, he would turn toward Moe's door and flash a grin and thumbs up’ — as if to say, "We're going to pull through this." (OMG! We get it… McCain was a POW! Your soon to be deployed son will hopefully be a POW. POW, POW! We frigging get it.)

"Thank you all, and may God bless America." (Amen, and may he help us all.)

Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain picked a vagina, dumbass.


In what must seem to be an attempt to steal the wind from the Democratic Party’s momentum, McCain announced his pick for the vice-presidency. Yes, dear reader*, Alaska governor Sarah Palin. I mean, are the republicans even attempting to hide the lengths to which they’ll go to retain the presidency? Governor Palin was obviously picked because of her gender. For those who may gasp at the audacity of that statement, please tell me why McCain et al. would choose as his vice president a 44 year-old with two years of gubernatorial experience (before that, a mayor of a teeeeeeny town in Alaska), being investigated for abuse of power claims? It’s because she’s a woman! Can you imagine the conversation leading to her selection?

McCain and his cronies to aide: Hey boy! Did you compile that list yet?
Aide: Not yet sir, but I did manage to narrow it down to…
McCain (interrupting): How complicated is this?! So long as she has a hole, put her on the list!
Rove: Oh and make sure she was born with it. We definitely don’t need that PR disaster right now.

McCain picked Palin to reel in that desperately needed female voting contingent, from independents to the die-hard Hilary fans. And dare I say he may have calculated correctly. I thought that the past 8 years have weeded out those moronic voters who proudly voted for Bushie boy because, you know, they can see themselves swigging a beer with him. Alas, I was wrong. Instead, Hilary’s historic run managed to create a new breed of morons who plan to vote for Governor Palin because she’s a woman. Well! In that case…

To be frank, I want to like Palin. This is despite the reality that she screams hypocrisy in the face of the McCain “No Experience” offense, is pro-oil, is being investigated for abusing her power for a personal vendetta, supports Bush’s economic and military policies, is anti-gay, anti-abortion and on board to have Roe v. Wade overturned. Hell, chick is damn near satanic. But her political history shows her choosing her ethics and morals over political advancement. She’s called bullshit in the face of republican corruption and she actually seems to care about the financial well-being of her constituents, using herself as an example. I love her non-political background, and dagnabit, I love that her selection probably set off apoplexies among the republican old-guard.

Disregarding the transparency of his decision, for the reasons listed herein and elsewhere, I tip my hat to Senator McCain. For come November, we shall have a woman or a minority group member in the white house and THAT is one hell of a step barrier to break down.

(*The “reader” singular is intentional. After the sparse posts of the past few weeks, even I stopped reading the blog.)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Apparently anything CAN be porn.

I used to work at a law firm that was notorious for the constant stream of sexual harassment suits (among others) filed against the attorneys and upper management. So much so that the firm’s “sensitivity” committee mandated all attorneys to attend sensitivity trainings at least once a month, complete with cheapie eighties videos set to soundtracks that would have done any ’70s era porno proud.

I must confess, however, that I fell prey to the charm of my colleagues and spent the first two months confused by the seemingly endless charges of lewd and lascivious conduct lobbied against the male associates and partners. That is, until I stumbled into the following conversation after yet another session of sensitivity training:

Male Associate A: You know, I was so disappointed by that video.

Male Associate B: In what way?

Male Associate A: I thought there would be a lot more, you know, grabbing and rubbing and you know, stuff.

(Guffaws from the guys… Someone says “man, oh man…” An embarrassingly frat-boy lite high-five takes place across the room.)

Me: Male Associate A, you know that video was NOT meant to be porn?

Male Associate A: I know, but I was just hoping.

(More raucous laughter. Talk about witnessing first hand the repercussions of repetitive in-breeding.)

Me: Did you get anything from the video?

Male Associate B (actually rolling his eyes at me!): Oh calm down, Me. The video was boring and dry as sh*t, but we’re not stupid. We could at least figure out that whatever wasn’t shown in the video is okay to do.

Me: No, I don’t think… You know what? Never mind.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Mojave Experiment

This is so stupid I don't have the energy to write anything else. Oh wait I do...no I don't.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Just don't take communion from them

This Sunday, my priest, back from the Lambeth conference, gave some metaphorical sermon about the church being a ship and how everyone should be on the ship as we sail to heaven (translate: love the gays). This of course triggered an unprecedented seven-lectures-per-hour series of rants from my dad, mostly about the Episcopal Church and how they're shoving homosexuality down his throat. During one of his rants, he brought up a rather interesting point: One way Africa was successfully colonized was through missionaries who introduced a religion that was—according to them—superior to the native religions. This resulted in African converts, which in turn made it easier for the colonizing European nations to take over—umassimilate into the communities. From my dad: "Now fancy if the Africans had known that this great religion encouraged homosexuality. There would be zero converts and I doubt things would be the same as it is now." As I said earlier, interesting, but I hate what-ifs. (Including the big what-if of the day: Would Hills have won if the Edwards adulterous affair had come up earlier? Honestly, who cares? It's pointless speculation.)

So anyway, here are my thoughts on the Episcopal Church, our gay bishop, and our position on homosexuality: The Episcopal/ Anglican Church arose out of the Church of England, which was built on a shaky foundation. Namely, it was formed because some dude wanted to get a f*cking divorce. So rather hypocritical grounds for its members to later claim some moral superiority to a gay bishop. On top of that, if the bible does state explicitly that homosexuality is a sin, how is it we have always turned a blind eye towards all those bible denounced sins, including priests who divorce as freely as if the bible didn't say divorce was a no-no?

I truly don't get it. It's that double standard that bugs.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Did Mad Men just jump the shark?

Or nuke the fridge, whichever your preference.




Donald Draper is like the coolest character on television, right? So on yesterday’s Mad Men, to get a female manager of a client to do as he says, he slips his hand under her skirt, says some threatening words and of course, in the next scene she’s obeying. Wha? Who writes this crap? Why do men (and female Cosmo writers) believe there’s some button on a woman that if pressed makes her power down and lose control, totally at your will and command? What is this, the nineties? No seriously: The nineties was the most ridiculous decade. You had a thousand vampire movies (bite her neck, she totally loves it), the movie Fear, and of course, the hundred romance books where the heroine is constantly about to be raped by the dashing earl because he thinks she’s not a virgin, therefore spoiled goods. Until he finds out she is, then he cares about not taking her “maidenhood”. Spoiler: They always live happily ever after.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Adventures in customer service

8a.m this past Friday, after a sleep deprived night where my gay boyfriend and I burned the midnight candle to watch Tivoed episodes of Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance, I stumble into my neighborhood Stabby's, where I'm subjected to a conversation with a barrista who had yet to have his required shot of caffeine.

"What can I get you ma'am?" (Sigh… One sleepless night of debauchery and apparently my appearance qualifies me as a ma'am.)

"Grande Tazo Awake, one tea bag." I say, in reference to my back-up black tea fix, since I had forgotten my preferred tea addiction at home.

"$2.45"

(For a cup of tea? This is New York, but sheesh.)

"How much is an entire box?"

"The entire box of 24? $4.95."

"Starbucks is charging me almost $3 for one sachet of tea in a paper cup but the entire box of 24 is only $4.95? Yeah, I'll take the box."

"The box and the brewed cup of tea?"

"Just the box."

My barrista actually says (no artistic license taken), "Ma'am, you should get the cup and not the box, because you do know if you get the box and not the cup, the tea will not be in a cup."

Blink, blink… blink.

"That's okay, I'll survive."

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Break My Heart

Rest in Peace.


October 5, 1957 - August 9, 2008

Friday, August 1, 2008

Humanity is overrated anyway

Over lunch, discussing abortion with a coworker:


oogie: Hell, I’m pro death

B: Lol. If it would inconvenience my life, I wouldn’t even hesitate—

oogie: Yeah. I’d do that shit between lunch and our departmental meeting.

B: No, a spa treatment. You’d treat yourself to a spa visit afterwards because it was such a trying experience—

oogie: Yeah! And then I’d ring you up, “Darling, you will not believe the day I’m having…”

B: lol!

oogie: LOL!

[pause]

B: You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be an abortion doctor when I grew up.

oogie: ROFLMAOWROF!*


I think as you get older and have more life experience, you become a more sensitive and considerate human being. However, I’m feeling old today, hence the above posting to counteract the aging process. Happy Weekend!


*Rolling on floor laughing my ass off without rolling on floor

The lingering effects of that god-awful metrosexual craze

A beach, two guys, a girl, six empty beer bottles and a beer-soaked debate on the birds and the bees. During the conversation, A, a rather attractive guy in his early thirties, announces that he shaves his chest hair because women are appalled by hairy males. In response, I struggle to contradict what I consider such preposterous belief, only to be shot down from all angles.

Upon returning home, I poll quite a few female friends, only to discover that my preference for the non-metrosexual male is firmly in the minority. In fact, it seems that I relaxed a bit prematurely when I assumed gone were the days of spa trips seated next to a thirty-something year old man getting his nails polished in a shade oxymoronically named “masculine peach.” Or that the days were over where I would date men with more beauty products than a Long Island Walgreens. Or days of dating men who ordered salads for dinner (dressing on the side) accompanied with explanations such as “I’m watching.”

Call me crazy, but on any given day, I’d take a rugged, meat and potatoes eating, hairy beast of a male with nails bitten down to the quick, over this:


And I mean it- call me crazy.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

At least the cake was phenomenal

I was a bridesmaid at a wedding this past weekend. I'm sure I spent 1000+ on the whole experience, plus suffering through shoes that hurt like hell, therefore, to my dear cousin:

Congratulations, and I will take it very personally if the two of you divorce in my lifetime. And my children's.



In memoriam

So just the other day, I’m getting my mandatory four-times daily dose of The Golden Girls, and the following exchange happens between Dorothy and Sophia:

Dorothy: Blanche is certainly taking her sister’s novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.

Sophia: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?

I’ve watched this episode a million times, but that line, delivered with Sophia’s trademark deadpan, never ceases to make me laugh… and laugh… and laugh.

Oh Sophia…


May you rest in peace.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I am woman hear me cry?


Dear Womanity,

I’m really sorry.
Recently, to win a very heated argument with a guy friend, I broke down and cried. It wasn’t the intention when I started crying (frankly he hurt my feelings), but it worked. I know it’s wrong, because it sets back womanism or something. So like, my bad. Won't happen again.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Oh heavens Madonna!

What are you- in competition with the Cat Lady?

I guess it can never be said that someone outdid Madonna herself.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Oh Sherri, Sherri.

So The View’s Sherri Shepard went on record this week saying that she’s “had more abortions than [she] would like to count.” (I’m pro-abortion, but dang chick…) So on yesterday’s The View, Sherri discussed her statements and also said that she shall see the fetuses in heaven where they would call her mama.

I don’t know about you, but while watching that clip, only one thought went through my head:


Hee hee- I make me laugh.

We are hypocrites

Dear four readers out there,

We have consistently shown snottiness towards other people who were a tad too fanatical with the SATC love. However, it appears we are such people as well. Example, a recent convo with Me regarding a slightly overbearing friend:

Me: He’s a tad much. I feel I must break up with him.

oogie: Haha, break up with a friend. Picture Carrie now, typing on her laptop, “In this day and age of opposite-sex friendships, is there such a thing as breaking up with a friend?”

Me: [pause] Did you just pull a “So Carrie!”?

oogie: Holy shit.

Me: I’m not talking to you anymore.


Oops. Me, I’m really really sorry.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Gosh darn it, I like her...


Up until recently, Anne Hathaway was the sort of actress that I assumed inspired nothing but lukewarm reactions, if not outright indifference. In fact, in connection with her career, I always drew images of an elderly couple sitting at home on a Sunday evening, the husband channel-surfing, and pausing to ask his wife, “Who’s that?” The wife will raise her eyes above her reading glasses, briefly scrutinize the television screen, and then say, “Oh that’s that Hatha-something girl.” And then she’ll lower her eyes back to her newspaper to continue reading about the rising price of corn.

But somewhere along the way, I grew to admit that I really like her.

Is it her pale creamy skin that has me enchanted? Perhaps. Although she would be the first translucently hued person who did not have me itching to chase after them with bottled U-V rays and a half-off coupon from Sunset Tan.

Or perhaps it is the effect of those dark doe-eyes and full red lips set against the milky-white of her skin?

Or perhaps her stubborn brunette-ness amid a sea of crispy burnt bottle-blonds?

Perhaps it is her ability to hold her own against the best and brightest of Hollywood. (Think remaining relevant in the presence of the hallowed Meryl Streep or against Emily Blunt’s comedic timing in The Devil Wears Prada?)

Or that she was actually believable as an ass-kicking secret agent opposite Steve Carrell in Get Smart? This is of course when juxtaposed against other leading female ass-kickers- i.e., the torturous Charlie’s Angels movies where two of movie land’s most overrated actresses and Lucy Liu giggled their way through fight scenes where if you stared really hard, you could see the ropes and strings lifting them through each scene.

Or perhaps it was that I enjoyed her movies, with only the mildest stirrings of jealousy, where her lips got to kiss lips that the curse of fate has determined that I shall never get to kiss? By this I give you Adrian Grenier in The Devil Wears Prada (before his “look” went from “grunge sexy” to just “homeless and miles from the Y”). Or the ultimate, kissing my obsession (and Oogie’s too)- James McAvoy, in Becoming Jane. I actually cheered for her (instead of plotting her death) and hoped the Becoming Jane lovers would make it. Because who but Jane Austen herself deserved McAvoy?

I guess I do not know why I love Hathaway. Oogie definitely is stumped. But alas, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.

291 Pages later...


Three months after I read the first chapter of David Sedaris’s New York Times Bestseller, “Naked,” I finally finished...

It was funny.

That's all.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

You Mass Murdering Males should be Hung, HUNG!

In yet another act of idiocy, which seems to be the running theme of Baby Bush’s presidency, a Bush administration memo reveals the plan to broadly redefine abortion to include birth control pills. Anything, and I mean anything, to make sure that we women have less rights than those accorded to vermin.

But to shock all four of my readers out there, I don’t disapprove. In fact, we should take a step back and define an abortion to include each time any male masturbates and ejaculates outside of an egg’s presence.

I’m making no sense? Well let’s just be practical about this. I mean, birth control prevents only one egg from being fertilized. But with each ejaculation, there are at least 40 million potential babies killed.

Bush has extended his pro-life agenda to include the rights of the potentially conceived. I say we help with his cause and actively crusade to hold each and every culpable male accountable. Because if we do not curb these serial killers, civilization as we know it will be destroyed.

Why her???



Kim,

He’s mine,

MINE

MINE!!!

And especially here,


MINE!!!!

He just doesn’t know it yet.