Monday, April 21, 2008

Rule #489 about dating

Gents, here's another dating rule to live by. (Yes, another one.) When you ask for and are honored with our phone number, and you're over the age of 23, call us within two days. The reasoning behind this shockingly complex notion? When two days have passed and we have not heard from you, we may automatically (and quite often correctly) assume that you have a girlfriend or a wife tucked away at home. And depending on the principles of the girl in question, we will not want to touch you with a 10-foot pole. Even if you profess your singledom from the top of some snow capped mountain.

Example: This past Wednesday afternoon, while walking through the streets of Boston's financial district and maneuvering the throng of suits, I walked past heartbreakingly gorgeous male suit. So gorgeous that you knew he had a Betty at home. I turned back to stare longingly at the back of said gorgeous male and there he's standing, staring at me. He motions me over, I skip over to him. Maybe a hop here and there. Trying not to drool, I engage in mindless chatter and we eventually exchange numbers. Based on the amazing first conversation we'd just had, I expect a phone call from him within ten minutes. End of day to be conservative. Wednesday passes. Then Thursday. F*ck? On Friday, I call his cell to ask him out for lunch. No response. Okay then. Brush dirt off shoulder. Back to Bachelors number 1 through 6. (Except #4. He didn't call the previous weekend, despite knowing I had been sick). Today is Monday. I get an email from douche bag gorgeous male. "Hello you, how are you?" I do not respond. Instead I forward email to my friends to state: Is he retarded? Douche bag then sends me a text. "Are you at work?" Then another text. "Because you didn't respond to my email?" Douche, you just sent me the email 20 minutes ago. Cool your heels- what happened? You broke up with Betty?

See. As much as douche bag is more gorgeous than every male I've dated in the past year, any interest I have in him? Gone. (And I had a LOT of interest in him). Spark can dissipate oh so easily when you consider that I hadn't heard from him in almost a week. The weekend passed without a call and when you don't call before or on the weekend, it means you're spending it with another girl. Unfortunately douche bag, I'm not interested in being groupie chick No. 3. No. 2, perhaps (I may decide to wait out No. 1 until she gets disgusted and dies or moves or leaves- her call) but definitely not somewhere below that.

So yeah, douche. It's a no-go.

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