Monday, June 30, 2008

Third Grade English Revisited


A heavily rotated LG commercial features two of the most prominent members of the vapid un-celebrities clique, a.k.a Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner. (Poor Paris Hilton, unseated from her throne of irrelevance by a girl whose down there is not so affectionately dubbed “beef curtains.”) Anyway, during the LG commercial, LC sends Brody a text message saying “OMG ur a pig.”

I must say, it’s sad when people who write for a living can’t even get this right. So once more I beg on bended knee. It’s really really not that hard. “Your” is NOT “You’re.”

Since it is apparently that hard to separate the two, let’s try it this way- one word has five letters. The other has four. And to make it even easier? Five is the number that comes after four. (Nuclear biology, indeed.)

And I’ll try to reserve the judgments for now; after all, my cousin failed third grade English too. (And save the commentary- this post is despite the recognition that text messaging requires suspension of even the most basic grammatical rules.)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Next up: No airline food allowed for fat passengers





To all skinny people who feel a need to qualify every donning of a baby doll dress with the statement "This dress makes me look fat but I'm not": Shut up. Either quit being a slave to fashion trends and wear what actually flatters your body, or be quiet.

Speaking of fat hate, there's a new Southwest Airlines policy requiring obese passengers to purchase a second ticket. Ugh, that is one big ol' can of worms about to be opened. And in the Southwest Airlines FAQ page, the Company doesn't even sound too convinced of their own answers:

How will you ensure no one takes the seat beside me if I've purchased a second seat?

The Customer who has purchased two seats must be an active participant in preserving his/her additional seat. We encourage Customers of size to preboard to locate adequate seating, placing the Reserved Seat Document in the adjacent seat.

So then what happens to other non-fat passengers who are unable to get on a full flight because the seats have been reserved due to bad fat aura? This doesn't seem too financially sound, especially when you consider that a refund is issued to the obese passengers for the second ticket if the flight is full. And with the reality that fewer flights are being offered due to the gas crisis, this is damn near a guarantee. Look, don't get me wrong: I'd hate to be next to a largely obese person on a flight, but insensitive discrimination is not the way to fix this.

I'm large but can be seated with the armrests down. Aren't your Employees wrong to question me?
If a concern exists, we shouldn't ignore it even if it's difficult for both parties to discuss. Condoning an unsafe, cramped seating arrangement onboard our aircraft is far more inappropriate than simply questioning a Customer's fit in our seats.

That is way too much room for abuse and harassment and that's why I hate this policy. Couldn't they just create a seating area on the plane for obese people? After all, they had smoking areas in the past, no? Till such a solution can be implemented, we don't need a policy authorizing and approving profiling. Until obesity becomes such an epidemic such that you have a disproportionate amount of obese passengers per "normal" person, then there's really no need to insult people.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Now lay off, will ya?

A certain person has been complaining that I don't post often enough. Therefore, here's my first post for the week:

Bird. Tree.

Juno, Strippers and Oscars.

In recent weeks, I've been going through some quarter century induced mid-life crisis where I've been flirting dangerously with the idea of a career change.

After a day full of frustration, I jokingly tell my sister, "Well, I could always become a stripper." To which the darling responds, "There's always that. If Diablo Cody could do it and get an Oscar..."

Sis, there is such a thing as being TOO supportive, you know?

Just because...

Almost Little Bo-Peepish, but I must, I must, I must own this dress.


Oh and her skin tone to go with it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I’m not racist; my best friend is African-American



Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that with the July issue of American Vogue, Vogue is now officially not racist!!

Why, whatever could I mean?

Well, my dear readers, in an attempt to combat the ever present issue of the white-washed world of modeling, and to prove that they are not really racist, American Vogue featured three (yes, I said three!) black models- Arlenis Peña (who really is Dominican), Chanel Iman, and Jourdan Dunn- in a spread that consisted of an almost negligible number of pages.

I must applaud Vogue because, with their actions, the problem of minority under-representation has been solved. You know, because minorities consist of only blacks? And three black models? You diversity trailblazer, you!

Let’s be real. We know that the main reason that American Vogue featured a paltry three minority models in their magazine was because Italian Vogue took the unprecedented step of featuring only black models in their upcoming issue (once more, where ARE the other minority groups?). American Vogue had to stand up to make it known that they are far from racist. And look! They have had a black model on their cover this century! (That honor goes to my first major girl crush, Liya Kebede, in 2006). Unfortunately, once the "radicalism" of Italian Vogue ceases to become a novelty, Vogue will return to their white-washed ways. And to speak the financial-tinged truth, until the day that minority covers are viewed as profitable, capitalism will always forbid minority representation within modeling.

And that’s such a shame because you can’t beat the way that fabric colors play off skin that has some color in it.

Ambitious much?


Twenty-two year old Efraim Diveroli is the president and mastermind behind AEY, Inc., a Miami company being investigated for the illegal trafficking of Chinese ammunition!!

At 22? Whatever happened to skipping first period psychology and showing up to second period still stoned and hungover from last night’s kegger?

Kids these days.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Little Nigeria

It hit me yesterday that Houston has a Little Nigeria. Or Nigeriatown, whichever sounds better. Its center is basically the Nigerian restaurant Finger Lickin' (yeah, creativity run amok) and extends to a bunch of other strip malls surrounding this place. In Little Nigeria, you have the best Farmer's Market for West African foodstuff, a "cash checks" place that doubles as a phone card selling place. And in addition to Finger Lickin', there's now another new Nigerian restaurant opening in the adjacent strip mall. What? One wasn't enough? The venues for most Nigerian events are in this area. Finally, you occasionally see people casually dressed in traditional garb.

No wonder I always bump into someone I know whenever I'm in the area. But as to the existence of Little Nigeria, here's what convinced me: Yesterday I was dragged to some dead adopted cousin's wake in Little Nigeria, and the church parking lot turned into a nightmarish situation with the most lawless parking not seen since, well, rush hour in Lagos, Nigeria.

Friday, June 20, 2008

It’s not all of them, you know.


During a June 16 rally held in Detroit, Obama’s campaign workers prevented two Muslim women wearing headscarves from sitting behind the podium. The obvious and unstated reason being to prevent any further misguided and fallacious thinking that Obama is (gasp!) Muslim.

And so it continues.

Throughout the democratic primaries, Senator Obama was forced to go on the defensive, insisting time and again that he is not Muslim, often ending each clarification with a laughable “[not that there’s anything wrong with Muslims.]” I cringed each time he had to disavow any connection to Islam to reaffirm his Christian orientation. I couldn’t help but wonder about the Muslims being alienated and stigmatized by his actions. What were their thoughts? How did they feel? Granted, we reside in a tough political climate where each day brings more news of some Muslim radical or terrorist blowing up themselves and dozens others in the name of Allah. And who in America can forget September 11, 2001? But these terrorists are just a faction, people; a very small and extremely radical faction. The actions of some loose canons have irreparably marred the populace’s view of what should be a peaceful religion. Such that the outright hatred, distrust and ostracization have spilled over and into a political campaign that promised to bring Americans together, to heal and to renew hope.

But perhaps we should not castigate and write-off Obama or his campaign staff for their actions at the June 16 rally. After all, is it too far-fetched to postulate that their actions were products of monsters bred by too often irrational fears and prejudices?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

An Ode to Tea*


Oh Mighty Leaf Organic Breakfast Tea,

(and really, any tea)…

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

*Shamelessly pulled from the timeless "How Do I Love Thee" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Nature: Highly overrated circa the dawn of time



On Monday when I got back from work I saw a snake on our front porch. Well, it was a severed snake (apparently, a delivery guy had earlier put it to death). Ew. Upon further investigation we find that the snake is in fact a rat snake and very prevalent in our lovely state of Texas. As name implies, the snake feeds on rats (which rats???). They can also bite you. However, according to this article, and I quote,

[I]f you were to encounter a Texas Rat Snake in your attic and it bit you, all that is needed medically is to washed the area thoroughly with antibacterial soap and water - they can hardly break the skin. However, if you had mice or rats in your house, you don't even need to come into direct contact with them for them to make you sick…You decide what's better - rodents or rat snakes!

Um, thanks but I’d take neither. There are moments when I choose to be ignorant because it makes my life easier and here it applies. I don’t care how harmless or practical snakes are: The creatures scare the life out of me.

I’m going to blame this particular snake’s appearance on the swimming pool our new neighbors recently constructed. Apparently, pools attract snakes. So here’s where I’m going with this post: Why do people build swimming pools? It makes little economic sense: There’s the cost of building the pool, the risk of having difficulty selling your house since some people may rather have the backyard space for gardening, and time-wise, the excessive cleaning of pool. Finally, and let’s be real here, the pool will likely be used only on Memorial Day, 4th of July, and Labor Day, when friends and family are over for a cookout. So again, why? It just doesn’t seem right when they introduce snakes to the neighborhood as well. The least they can do is to invite us to use the pool once a month or something. It is our pool too. Major shit-eating grin.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Did you forget Signs? The Village? Lady in the water?!!

M. Night Shyamalan has a new movie out?


Ever since the torture that was Unbreakable, who on earth is still bankrolling this man’s movies?

Happy Father's Day! Oy.

On Father’s Day, Obama gave a speech on the duty of black fathers at the Apostolic Church of God. Primarily, he addressed the negative effects of absentee black fathers on the black community. Side note- of course, “yell as loudly as you can and carry whatever stick you can find” Al Sharpton chimed in to say “There are a lot of those who will say that he should not be airing dirty laundry, those that will say he’s beating up on the victims… This will not be something that will be unanimously applauded, but I think that not discussing it is not going to make it go away.”

Sharpton, Shut up.

Obama is addressing the grim reality of absentee fatherism, which has become an epidemic in the black community so much so that black fathers have become punch lines in almost every medium that calls itself an “equal opportunity offender.” Who can forget the Family Guy episode where Stewie is having a heart-to-heart discussion with Brian regarding his impending fatherhood. He asks “What kind of man would I be if I ran off now?” To which Brian responds “Well, you’d be a Black man?” (I will not lie. I laughed. And laughed. Sigh. Crucify me now.)

Perhaps contributing to this mockery are the more celebrated black celebrities who often proudly embrace this stereotype? I mean, take for instance the Father’s Day coverage of Theybf.com, one of the leading black celebrity websites out there. When you get a chance, count the out-of-wedlock children/ single parent homes and tell me if you don’t think there is some disparity. Or how about counting those absentee fathers who are so because they’re chasing paper, bling, the latest “ride”, those “fine-ass honeys” (cruder term omitted), getting arrested, etc. etc. It really gets to me that a lot of the fathers being featured are the less than “admirable” ones. There are tons of great black fathers out there; better role models. BUT. Why shine the spotlight on Father’s Day on men who unabashedly announce that they can never marry their children’s mother because of their commitment problem. Yet they claim “Father of The Year” status because they provide for their children. Yeeeeeeah. Because buying your child everything under the sun takes care of parenting.

Rant over. Let the backlash begin.

Friday, June 13, 2008

This will not be pretty.

Now that Hillary has backed out of the race, the Media is suddenly preoccupied with the fairness of their Hillary coverage. I do not think the sprinkle of sexism displayed by Media people coughChrisMatthewscough had anything to do with why Hillary lost. She lost because Obama was better (I love how I state this like a fact). The sexist remarks only appeared after Hillary refused to bow out . To old heads, this was most unfeminine of her, since females should be retiring, not stubborn and uh, something about being seen not heard (/sarcasm). Fast forward to December after the election is over, and should Obama lose this race, I'm sure we will have a New York Times front page piece titled "Obama coverage: Too racist?"

Because frankly? It has been frightening the amount of racially-tinged attacks thrown at the Obamas these past few days. We have the
Baby mama fiasco. Absolutely disrespectful, and as has been said time and time again, would never have been used towards Cindy McCain. We have the dap being called a "terrorist fist jab". Again, downright offensive. And just last night on Verdict with Dan Abrams, Pat Buchanan (who used to be the repug I hated to love) called Obama exotic. Fortunately, he was called on this and had to be reminded that Obama is as American as they come.

And this is just the first week. Here's what we are dealing with: We have most West Virginian democrats and likely elsewhere who are unwilling to vote for Obama because they know nothing about him (translation: "He doesn't look like us"). You have 12% of Americans thinking that Obama is a muslim, while being simultaneously enraged by his former pastor's remarks (which means logic isn't really at play here). You have some White Americans who are scared of African Americans, as you would be of any group that has been oppressed for years: Imagine if you have an opportunity to grant a member of such an oppressed group an enormous amount of power, wouldn't you be wary as well? (Obama's first course of action: "We have built labor camps for relocating the whites, effective immediately").

I'll give Obama this: They have been really good at deflecting the attacks. I think that's what the Hillary supporters need to understand: It was never about sexism being ignored more than racism in this country (which is a fact). It's just that the Obama camp knew not to throw a tantrum everytime they had a racist encounter.

I give it one month.




Question. How long do you think before these ignorant mother-f*ckers actually start openly calling him N*gger?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Guessing it doesn’t require a college degree?


Two weeks ago, Saks Fifth Avenue had a sale. You know, the sale before their big summer sale, a.k.a. the sale where I spend at least two mortgages worth of cash on shoes. Within 2 minutes of being in the store, I spy a gorgeous red-orange fold-over clutch made of supple kid leather. Marked down forty percent or thereabouts. After an intense three minutes where I paced the marble floors of the shoe department, while weighing the pros and cons of splurging on a clutch, I slap down my Visa and walk away guilt-free with a Cheshire cat smile adorning my face.

Fast-forward to today, and Saks is having an additional 30% off sale, which brings out the bargain hunter in me. I head over to the store where the following exchange occurs:

Me: Hi, Could you tell me how much this bag costs now?

Upon finding out the new price, Me: Okay, great. Could you do a price adjustment?

Sales Girl (suddenly adopting a Madonna-lite English accent): Saks does not do price adjustments.

Me (pausing for 4 seconds, unblinking): Well then. I’d like to return the bag.

Sales Girl (who is 3 inches shorter than me, somehow manages to look down her rhinoplastic nose while speaking to me): Your loss, darling. (I swear she said “darling.” Sweetie, we live in Boston.)

Once the clutch is returned, and my visa credited, Me: Thanks, now I would like to purchase the bag again. The look on the sales girl’s face? Priceless. I swear she looked like she was trying anal for the first time.

Now, how hard would it have been to do a price adjustment? Did she think that just because it’s Saks, I would be okay leaving the $300 price difference on the table? Sorry dear. I’m not quite that rich- and no sugar daddies either. James McAvoy hasn’t quite accepted my marriage proposal. Neither has Reggie Bush. And don’t get me started on that restraining order Robert Downey Jr. filed two months ago. Stalking Shmalking.

This Season, Prada Gets My No Vote.

Amerie,


Don't you ever, EVER, wear that again... Ever.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The only time I ever wanted to be Kerry Washington

Dear McAvoy,

Two weekends back I finally viewed The Last King of Scotland, and I think I love you.

oogie

P.S. If you could lay next to me and read me the ingredients of a bleach container in that sexy, sexy brogue of yours, I'd die a happy girl.

Overgrown Rat or Cat? You decide.

For the last two weeks, my friend has been whining that she wants to purchase some monstrosity called a Sphynx cat. (Seriously people, not everything has to be a pet)... After my initial outburst of "THAT'S a cat?” I have since learned to smile and to leave my commentary at “It looks interesting…” But when discovering said friend has made an appointment with a local breeder, and realizing that her interest is a lot more than a passing phase, I am now obligated to say:

Dear E,

Your cat?

It looks like a boiled chicken.

Love,

Me.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Tribute my @ss.

A friend of mine is currently dating a male that she describes as “totally squishy and sweet,” a statement made in an attempt to contradict my assessment that “he looks scary.” I assume, of course, that the squishy and sweet characterization is a personality trait, because in his photograph, he looks like a shoo-in contestant for the season finale of Cops. To demonstrate this squishy and sweet personality, my friend gushes, “He never remembers anyone’s birthday, not even his mother, so instead he gives birthday gifts and mother’s day gifts to his mother, aunt, and grandmother on HIS birthday.” I pause. “Ah, okay.” She continues, “You know, as a tribute to them.”

A tribute? Well! In that case, glad to know that his mother’s efforts enduring a likely 24 hours of labor, akin to squeezing out a summer-ripened watermelon through a keyhole, is honored with a half-assed effort disguised as “a tribute”. Sheesh. If you’re so darned forgetful, how come you remember your birthday? Better yet, is the antiquated concept of the calendar too advanced for you?

I dare my boyfriend to pull that.

Then again… Bonus points to dude for turning such a douche move into an endearing quality.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

What are friends for?

Last night, at friend’s place, about to head home

Me: And if in five minutes I call you, having driven into a ditch somewhere-

Friend: Don’t worry, I’ll come get you. Unless it’s twenty minutes, then that would be too far for me.

Sigh.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

WHAT DECISION??????


Clinton says during last night's speech, "no decisions tonight."

Uh, what decision?

Seriously, if it talks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it IS a duck.

Sigh.

Give it up lady.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

You don't quite get it, do you?


There is a certain group of Sex and the City fans that I call the TBS Fans, you know those people who can’t quite grasp, for some reason or other, what SATC was about. They’re the ones who think that SATC was primarily about fashion, and channel their inner Carrie or Charlote by dressing in ensembles falsely interpreting SATC fashions and inspired by a Forever 21 budget. Granted, the SATC characters had enviable material possessions, but I implore these TBS Fans to go back and watch all episodes (I recommend the third and fourth seasons)- it was rarely about the latest pair of Manolos. (Yes, really.)

So while watching the movie, and based on the rather over the top reactions to the caricature that was the first twenty minutes of the movie, I immediately knew that there would be some “new” annoying (and quite unnecessary) fads cropping up this summer. And here, ladies and gentlemen, I proceed to give you my humble predictions for the next new big things, courtesy of the buying power of the clueless TBS Fans:

-Bagborroworsteal.com (And shoot yourself if you’re just discovering the existence of the website);

-Diane Von Furstenberg being perpetually sold out. (Seriously, minus the product placement for Vivienne Westwood, could there have been any bigger product placement than an ENTIRE scene being shot at the DVF store?).

-Weddings at the New York Public Library (because, you know. It’s old and stuff. Oh. And it has character.).

-Adoptions of Asian babies. Named Carnation, Chrysanthemum (yes, E.J., that’s for you), Oleander, White Rose, and Grass.

-Use of the word “Color” to describe sex. (Don’t forget the incessant giggling to follow)

-Avian headdresses. (No worries, I’m praying too that I’m wrong.)

-Girls’ weekends in Mexico. (Cancun does NOT count.)

-Cosmopolitans... Again. Sigh.

-Coastal flights from Los Angeles to New York... for lunch. (So what if you haven't spoken to her since the fourth grade?)

-Clothing from Bitten (TBS Fan No. 1: “Can you believe I paid $5 for this top?” TBS Fan No.2: “OMG, really? So Carrie!”… Barf.)

-Personal Assistants (Because we’re all oh so busy).

-And finally, hoards of “fashionistas” moving to Chinatowns all over America. Which shall be inevitable, especially as Miranda specifically termed it the latest “up and coming” neighborhood. (No, dummies. She meant New York’s Chinatown. It doesn’t count if it’s in Idaho.)

It’s a world gone mad.