Thursday, September 25, 2008

Oh Ye of Blasphemously Little Faith

This has to be the dumbest pro-life retort I have ever heard to the pro women’s rights- I mean, pro-choice movement:

"A college professor posed the following problem to his class for their resolution.

'A young girl has gotten pregnant out of wedlock. She has a fiancée, but he is not the father. She did nothing to plan or provoke what happened; she was simply overpowered. Her fiancée, whom she loves very much, is a very scrupulous man and will probably reject her when he finds out. Her culture is also severely strict in its views about these things, so she will be subjected to very sharp public criticism and, perhaps, even punitive legal proceedings if her condition becomes known. Indeed, it is fair to say that her entire life will be permanently ruined by this pregnancy. Even if her fiancée were to take her, an early child would greatly complicate their new marriage. Both of them are already below the poverty level and will have to move away from their hometown at the height of the pregnancy. What would you recommend for this girl?'

The class unanimously recommended that she have an abortion.

'Congratulations,' stated the professor, 'you have just aborted Jesus.”

To which I say- Well that’s the great thing about him being Jesus. I guess he’ll just come back.

Friday, September 19, 2008

When life gives you lemons...

The Master Cleanse is this detox regimen where for ten days you consume nothing but a liquid diet made up of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Apparently it resets your system, boosts your metabolism, and since it's basically a fast, allows you to lose a few pounds. Inspired by friends and loving to deny myself things because it shows character, I decided to try the Cleanse. I lasted less than a day. The maple syrup will do since I eat waffles occasionally, but what shall I do with all the lemons I purchased in bulk?

Use it for house cleaning (Sorry, whenever did I strike one as being Martha Stewart-esque?)

Add a wedge to every glass of water consumed

Lemon Chicken


Keep one in your purse. Likely in some culture it brings prosperity/fertility/wards off evil. Plus, you can use it as mace if someone tries to attack you at night.

Before they go bad and stink up your place, keep it around for times you have friends over: “You thought I was joking right? I told you, I have like, all these lemons!”

Trash it

But in the end,

lemonade wins. There’s a slight chill in the air, but who cares? It’s still summer!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Hurricane Ike

Yes, it's been a few days since the hurricane, but I know things are still rough down there from the accounts I've been getting from family and friends ("We're living like cavemen!" from my former coworker). So to my Houston family: Love y'all, hang in there, and next time, skip town!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Parsing Palin at the RNC

After Governor Palin’s divisive and rather acrimonious speech at the Republican National Convention, I declare myself officially on the “any team but Palin’s” bandwagon. Romney’s- I mean Palin’s- speech pulled no punches as she aimed repeatedly below the belt, leaving me and the remaining clear-thinking Americans disappointed, appalled and just exhausted. Behold- excerpts from Palin’s speech:

“In our family, it's two boys and three girls in between — my strong and kind-hearted daughters, Bristol, Willow and Piper… In April, my husband, Todd, and I welcomed our littlest one into the world, a perfectly beautiful baby boy named Trig…. Children with special needs inspire a special love… Todd is a story all by himself… He's a lifelong commercial fisherman … Throw in his Yup'ik Eskimo ancestry, and it all makes for quite a package. My parents are here tonight, and I am so proud to be the daughter of Chuck and Sally Heath…” (Okay. We get it mother earth. And isn’t your husband 1/128th Eskimo?)

“I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a "community organizer," except that you have actual responsibilities. I might add that in small towns, we don't quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they are listening, and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren't listening.” (Oh Stop! You were the Mayor of a small Alaskan town; population- 5,000. Am I the only person who thinks that the only responsibility entailed late night phone calls requiring Palin to rise from bed, pad across Mrs. Jenkins lawn to ask her to head to the local watering hole to haul her intoxicated husband home? And by the by, being a community organizer- which Obama was some twenty odd years ago- is nothing to sneeze at. Way to belittle those people who step out into their communities to mobilize and energize citizens into becoming positive contributing members, especially when their government has repeatedly failed them.)

“As for my running mate, you can be certain that wherever he goes, and whoever is listening, John McCain is the same man.” (I’m sure the doctors who treated him for his last two strokes will disagree.)

“But here's a little news flash- Americans expect us to go to Washington for the right reasons, and not just to mingle with the right people.” (Oh schweetie, you’re so running for the wrong party.)

“The right reason is to challenge the status quo, to serve the common good, and to leave this nation better than we found it.” (Hee! What a gem! Did Palin even stop to process the speech that she was reading from the teleprompter? Because if so, how could she still have said that line?)

“But we are expected to govern with integrity, good will, clear convictions, and ... a servant's heart.” (Well, the last eight years and the current campaign could have fooled me!)

“But with the support of the citizens of Alaska, we shook things up.” (Seriously! Stop it with this Alaska nonsense! Before you were nominated, not only did no one know who you were, but I bet you most of your voting contingent forgot that Alaska was a state in the union!) (Editor’s note- Alaska apparently IS a state and has been since 1959.)

“I came to office [in Alaska] promising major ethics reform…” (Loves it! Now. What’s this I hear about firing your sister’s ex-husband’s boss because he wouldn’t fire him?)

“I got rid of a few things in the governor's office that I didn't believe our citizens should have to pay for. That luxury jet was over the top. I put it on eBay.” (That’s so crazy! I know a guy whose cousin’s friend’s neighbor’s mechanic bought a plane on eBay. Something about Colombia, mules and deliveries.)

“I also drive myself to work.” (Cookie?)

“This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting and never use the word "victory" except when he's talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed ... when the roar of the crowd fades away ... when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot — what exactly is our opponent's plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger ... take more of your money ... give you more orders from Washington ... and to reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world. America needs more energy ... our opponent is against producing it.” (Oh really? And what one thing did YOU say last night to show us that you care about the issues? Something specific about what you’ll change? Your policies?)

“Victory in Iraq is finally in sight ... he wants to forfeit.” (What are we ever going to do with Obama and his crazy ideas? “Victory” in Iraq has been in sight since 2003 and he wants to forfeit? Now?! The nut job!)

“Terrorist states are seeking nuclear weapons without delay ... he wants to meet them without preconditions.” (Question- Did you notice that you can’t really negotiate with people who care for nothing but martyrdom? I mean, if your target thinks little of killing themselves for a cause- exactly WHAT are you threatening them with? Or do you still think the stories of suicide bombers are just a democrat-dreamed conspiracy?)

“Al-Qaida terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America ... he's worried that someone won't read them their rights?” (YES!! As we should all be! The current administration has whittled down human rights to the point where America is the biggest international embarrassment out there. I know you’re not a lawyer, but it’s “innocent until proven guilty.” Not “you look like an Arab; therefore guilty.” Did you forget about the numbers of Guantanamo Bay detainees who have been tortured and held for years on end, only to be released with a “my bad?” What do you think happens after? They go home singing God Bless America? They all deserve their rights; even if it’s to make one less mistake.)

“Congress spends too much ... he promises more.” (I think the war in Iraq, for which “[victory is in sight]” has something to do with it? Call me crazy…)

“As the story is told, ‘When McCain shuffled back from torturous interrogations, he would turn toward Moe's door and flash a grin and thumbs up’ — as if to say, "We're going to pull through this." (OMG! We get it… McCain was a POW! Your soon to be deployed son will hopefully be a POW. POW, POW! We frigging get it.)

"Thank you all, and may God bless America." (Amen, and may he help us all.)