Saturday, January 17, 2009

Marie Barone is my Mother


In a move that reeks of ulterior motives, my mother has announced that she’s headed to New York city for an impromptu visit with my sister and me. Her inconsideration in giving us less than a six-month warning (how selfish!) necessitates some emergency housekeeping:


Oogie and Me’s To-Do List:


-Hide:
  • Stash of pot
  • Toys
  • Art pieces that may not be considered art so much as pornography in Mother’s social circles
  • Photographs of lovers (past, present and future) that are definitely not Mother-approved (read: Nigerian, Igbo, hand-picked by Mother)
  • Needles

-Find and locate a church ASAP since mother would like to go on Sunday.

-Bribe priest to corroborate our months of lies that we are devout church goers.

-On a related note: Locate our bibles and place in highly visible spot in bedroom.

-Dismantle stripper pole in bedroom.

-Delete web browsing history prior to mother’s use of computers.

-Purchase curtains for apartment. Mother may not find it as cute as my sister does that our elderly neighbor has been ailing a bit less since our “inadvertent” daily peep shows.

-Hide the housekeeper's number since the last thing we need is to be subjected to an interminable lecture on how we are doomed to be spinsters with 40 or so cats since we don't know what it's like to be "womanly".

-Buy Furniture.

Then again, I could follow Me’s suggestion and just put Mother up in a hotel.

1 comment:

  1. LOLOLOLOL... now that's funnny!!

    ReplyDelete