Thursday, January 8, 2009

You're just a virgin who "can" drive

While stuck in O’Hare airport for a seemingly interminable layover, I found myself reading a Chicago Sun Times article on secret virgins, a.k.a people (mostly males) in their 20s or older who choose to remain virgins. Some priceless gems from the article:

I’m a forty-something male virgin, and I intend to remain that way [Me: Like you had a choice]. I never felt the need for a girlfriend and the responsibility that comes with a committed relationship. I also don’t like the idea of sharing a bed, let alone bodily fluids. Masturbation keeps me single, disease-free, independent, and satisfied.

Wow. Like, wow. I love his statement that he hates having to share a bed. No wonder he doesn’t like sex, he’s a child! I’d ordinarily have preferred to call him asexual, but do asexual people even masturbate? (Hm, must research). Gay maybe? Or just a germaphobe? The thing is, I don’t even feel like this guy has some “condition” to warrant our sympathy. From the obnoxious tone of his post I’m convinced he just has sex with himself because he’s pompous enough to think it can’t get any better than that. Wow.

And then, of course, the obligatory post from a "Saving myself" chick:

I’m a virgin and proud of it. I have chosen to keep myself pure for my husband and the marriage bed. If more people would wait, the rate of sexually transmitted diseases would go down dramatically. When you sleep with a person, you also sleep with everyone that person has slept with. It’s not shameful to be a virgin—it’s a blessing.

Look, I have ordinarily nothing against virgins; I, after all, used to be one (overused joke, sorry, couldn’t resist). My problem is with the logic, or really nonsense that usually goes with a "Saving myself" chick's usual reason for being a virgin. Hon, what makes you think when you get around to getting this husband and being all pure and clean for him, that he’d be the same? What do you do in the very likely scenario of this not being the case? Kill yourself? Him? Because you know, once you lose your virginity (gasp!) that’s it! You can’t get it back! It’s like, gone! Like, your life is over!

No words.


  1. Your not a virgin!!! Chisom, I can't believe I you misled me all this time.

    I am the guy in the first quote and I refuse to associate with you dirty disease spreading sex fiends.

  2. Oh Anthony, I never um, misled you. I was always a pure lass until the evils of the city corrupted me. And now I'm into hard drugs, sex, and bad scene music. Yup, that's what it is. So we can still hang, right?


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