Friday, February 20, 2009

I am a humorless old hag

Someone, whom I'll call Idiot, sent me and a few mutual friends a link, titled Chris Brown Beats Up Rihanna (Official live footage) Street Fight. Idiot also mentioned in email that he was "dyin' after watching this. Enjoy!"

At times, I hate the people in my life (Yes, I turn 25 today and I'm already turning cranky as I get older). When they're not spelling words incorrectly, they are active members of the ignorant population. So I guess I was a little fed up, and hitting reply-all to thread, I send the following:
"That's not funny."
Ok, so maybe it was wrong to state this like a fact since humor is subjective ("I don't find this funny" maybe?).

Idiot responds to thread a little later:

"Jesus, it's just a joke. Nobody said the situation was funny. Lighten up."
Bit of a contradiction, no? If the situation wasn't funny, why make a joke out of it? But if you DO choose to make a joke out of it, why get so bent out of shape when you don't get a haha response? Shouldn't you quietly accept the FAIL attempt at humor and keep it moving? For instance, let's assume someone makes a joke about rape. I find myself chuckling. I share joke with someone else, other person goes "WTF". Should I then proceed to demonize this person for DARING not to laugh? I'm a very un-PC person, but I can understand why not everyone will find something funny.

Here's what bothers me the most about Idiot's response: He knows, from my personal history, that this incident hit too close to home, since I have people in my life who have been victims of domestic violence. So if he was unwilling to accept any reaction but painful guffawing, why send it to me? Even if he chose to have amnesia about my background, the fact I am a female, isn't that enough?

Of course, we then get the following response from one of the included people in the email, or as I like to call him, Idiot #2:
"Hahaha that was funny 'umbrella' .......the rumor is that she gave him an STD.....dam"
Um, I rest my case?

Thursday, February 19, 2009



And to all of you withholding your opinions "until you know more facts", FUCK.YOU.


I initially posted a picture of Rihanna's face, as "allegedly" battered by Chris Brown, in connection with this post. However, I took the picture down after a few minutes solely out of solidarity for a fellow domestic violence victim and the need to respect her privacy. But... if you do need to view the picture, feel free to search it out on your own and see what your silence causes.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Took her long enough, hmph

Important, life-altering announcement: Me is now Piglet in Wellies.

Pig (Her nickname as a kid)


Her unwavering love of all things Ramona the Pest

Piglet in Wellies

Announcement over. Carry on.

The family is always the last to know

While speaking to my brother this past Thursday night, I asked him his plans for valentine's day:

D: Well, I've got a shitload of things to do because I'm going to be preoccupied that day.

oogie: Aww you're doing something for Valentine's Day with the girl? So sweet!

D: Get the f**k outta here. It's called V-Day for a reason. I'm going to buy her flowers, chocolates, etc. All to go from point A to V, feel me?

OhMG, I think my little brother might be a douchebag...

Friday, February 13, 2009

What kind of goo?

Dear person,

When you send me a text message with a typo, as in the following:
Yeah, things are going goo
you don't need to send me a follow up text with the following:
because I'm not stupid, and such behavior may elicit a not-so-nice response from me, such as two text messages (The first one being "What the fu"), for then you'll think I'm a b***h, which I'm sooo not. At least not since <complete tired joke by inserting your own day of week>.

Happy Friday!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I couldn't even find a mean picture...sigh

Breaking News! Chris Brown's career may be over, after “allegedly” beating the sh*t out of Rihanna.

Uh, reality check, no it's not. After searching through recent celebrity archives, I present to you: What Chris Brown needs to do to still have a career after “allegedly” beating the sh*t out of Rihanna! Yay lists!

Like the esteemed R. Kelly before him did with his hometown of Chicago, get his entire hometown behind him 100%. And that would be…Tappahannock, Virginia?

Snag a reality show, preferably on MTV, themed around one of the following: (a) Him preparing for jail (T.I., anyone?), (b) life after jail (Ahem, Foxy Brown), (c) trying to put together his next record after the incident, (d) a stint in Celebrity Rehab (because of course, with incident came the revelation that he is in fact an alcohol/drug/sex/child abuser), or (e) going to The Ivory Coast- no, make that Burma- and building a music school for aspiring rappers.

Release album (titled: I stomped her yard...and face) with heavy collaboration from Beyonce, Fergie, T-Pain, Rihanna, Jay-Z, and Will.I.Am.

Nothing to do with Chris Brown, but people with periods in their name? Deserve to be shot.

Contribute articles to The Huffington Post (or The Drudge Report, no judgments) on how abuse is just wrong (think- Isaiah Washington)

6) Serve thanksgiving dinner to domestic violence victims in Tappahannock, Virginia with full camera crew in tow.

Have his reps start planting stories on the internet over how Rihanna isn't even American so who the f**k cares if she gets beat up?

Story #2 from reps: Rihanna was f**king Jay-Z all along.

Story #3: Obligatory STD story. Never mind, that’s already out there.

And the inevitable… (Didn't I say women love to bring each other down): Have enough idiotic female fans post through social networks enough dumb jokes about Rihanna deserving it because “chick should have seen it coming”. Facebook example: "fan#1 is SMH at Rihanna…guess she should have had her umbrella protecting herself from those blows lol…" followed by twenty other responses under status message ranging from "Your* crazy lol" to "you know she was having his baby that's why he got mad lol". Sigh.

*Me, I know it’s “you’re”… It’s a quote, sheesh.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Best. News. Ever!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Sex and the City sequel has been officially green-lighted!!

Can. Not. Wait.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Awaiting cherry season.

Once upon a time, at least until this morning, oranges were my favorite fruit. And since it is the height of the season, I have consumed little else but blood oranges.

This morning, however, upon catching my sister staring in horror at the half-eaten blood orange in my hand, I ask, “What?”

“How can you eat THAT?”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Uh… It looks like oral sex on your period.”

And just like that, I’m over oranges because you know what? She’s sure not lying.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Yes I am a hater...

...But the next time someone contradicts me to say that Beyonce can "sing" and sends me her national anthem performance as proof of such "skill", I urge them to view a real singer at work:

Jennifer Hudson killed it, aka Beyonce can't sing for SHIT.

P.S. Does anyone know where I can find her jacket?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

All this time we thought THEY were the enemies

Hear, hear:
"...there is one little nuance that the marketers forgot (perhaps intentionally?). Women don't get thin for men. We get thin for other women. We know that men like a few lady lumps. And yet we pursue perfect thinness. Not because it makes us more sexually desirable - often it has the opposite effect -- but because it makes us the Alpha Female. We're competitive like that. "
So there you go. We as women are incorrectly perceived as being neurotic about our body image because of a desire to attract males. Yet it is more accurate to peg these neuroses as mostly coming from our need to keep the sharks at bay: Fellow women who are the first to nitpick, attack, and put down. Need we pretend anymore? Case in point numero two: Jessica Simpson shows up for some performance looking extra padded and then everyone on the internets goes nuts, and by everyone, I mean women. And a few men who are just dumb. Now Jessica Simpson is a bad example because there's so little love where she's concerned, and I think everyone just loves when she falls flat on her face. But still. Her only crime was the outfit:

She looks beautiful, and I'm sure the men would agree. Need she really be crucified? So ladies, lay off.