Breaking News! Chris Brown's career may be over, after “allegedly” beating the sh*t out of Rihanna.
Uh, reality check, no it's not. After searching through recent celebrity archives, I present to you: What Chris Brown needs to do to still have a career after “allegedly” beating the sh*t out of Rihanna! Yay lists!
1) Like the esteemed R. Kelly before him did with his hometown of Chicago, get his entire hometown behind him 100%. And that would be…Tappahannock, Virginia?
2) Snag a reality show, preferably on MTV, themed around one of the following: (a) Him preparing for jail (T.I., anyone?), (b) life after jail (Ahem, Foxy Brown), (c) trying to put together his next record after the incident, (d) a stint in Celebrity Rehab (because of course, with incident came the revelation that he is in fact an alcohol/drug/sex/child abuser), or (e) going to The Ivory Coast- no, make that Burma- and building a music school for aspiring rappers.
3) Release album (titled: I stomped her yard...and face) with heavy collaboration from Beyonce, Fergie, T-Pain, Rihanna, Jay-Z, and Will.I.Am.
4) Nothing to do with Chris Brown, but people with periods in their name? Deserve to be shot.
5) Contribute articles to The Huffington Post (or The Drudge Report, no judgments) on how abuse is just wrong (think- Isaiah Washington)
6) Serve thanksgiving dinner to domestic violence victims in Tappahannock, Virginia with full camera crew in tow.
7) Have his reps start planting stories on the internet over how Rihanna isn't even American so who the f**k cares if she gets beat up?
8) Story #2 from reps: Rihanna was f**king Jay-Z all along.
9) Story #3: Obligatory STD story. Never mind, that’s already out there.
10) And the inevitable… (Didn't I say women love to bring each other down): Have enough idiotic female fans post through social networks enough dumb jokes about Rihanna deserving it because “chick should have seen it coming”. Facebook example: "fan#1 is SMH at Rihanna…guess she should have had her umbrella protecting herself from those blows lol…" followed by twenty other responses under status message ranging from "Your* crazy lol" to "you know she was having his baby that's why he got mad lol". Sigh.
*Me, I know it’s “you’re”… It’s a quote, sheesh.