Friday, March 20, 2009

Next week: What to do with catalogs

Word of wisdom for the day: Upon receiving in the mail, the "DO NOT DISCARD" letter should be immediately and subsequently discarded.

Happy Friday!

Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm flying the only bird that matters

Yet another plane was brought down by wayward birds and once more, all passengers escaped unscathed. In recognition of the inevitable biographical movie adaptations of the “Miracle on the Hudson” and now the Atlanta miracle, Piglet and I have developed a script, starring Tom cruise as Pilot Chesley Sullenberger, that will be sent to targeted Hollywood producers. As always, first come, first served.

Mission Impossible XXIV”

Scene 1: [Shot of visibly exhausted woman driving 1991 station wagon] "Mommy, birds!" [Woman responds offhandedly] "Yes honey."

Scene 2: [Military top secret underground location] Tom Cruise clenches jaw as superior tells him "Look Tom, you have to retire. There's no glory in being a pilot anymore. Nobody respects us. They think we just have to fly this thing on autopilot." Tom squints into sunlight, "You. Don't. Know. What. I've. Seen."

Scene 3: Plane is about to take off, Tom clenches jaw, "I see birds".

Scene 4: Birds collide into plane. Picture action sequence à la manner of 300/Matrix . Recommended that this should be a one hour action sequence.

Scene 5: Tom’s jaw clenches some more. Samuel L. Jackson, co-pilot, says (or shouts, really) "You need to land this motherfucking plane!"

Scene 6: To spice things up, introducing the two passengers in plane who were planning to blow plane up before bird collision. Tom Cruise manages to intervene in an exciting, nail-biting 30 minute sequence where he flies plane while simultaneously killing the two guys. Preferable that Samuel L. Jackson dies here. Also, the two terrorists are Caucasians so as to avoid offending anyone. Except Caucasians, because nobody cares about offending them.

Scene 7: Flight attendant (played by Scarlett Johanssen) replaces Samuel L. Jackson. We find out that she is very smart, and just does this because she likes "working with people"… ever since her father died… when she was little. Cut to dream sequence of Tom Cruise sleeping with the flight attendant. **This shot should be used during the marketing of film to fool idiots into viewing the film (see also: Watchmen and how nobody should have seen the film who hadn't read the stupid graphic novel and hence wouldn't get it because it's high art and what the fuck ever and no I am not bitter).

Scene 8: Tom Cruise is ready to land the plane. Ten minute speech to passengers about how they should calm down, how this is the American Dream. Inspiring music plays in the background (think Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture).

Scene 9: Tom Cruise lands plane, while clenching jaw and squinting through his aviator glasses. As he's landing, passenger goes into labor.

Scene 10: Tom Cruise delivers baby.

Scene 11: Rescue boats come. Suddenly there's a leak and plane will detonate in 20 seconds ("MacGruber!").

Scene 12: One of the passengers is too scared to get off. Tom Cruise clenches jaw and intensely tells her (because it has to be a She) "You. Can. Do. This."

Scene 13: Tom Cruise is last person on plane, is about to leave but spots a bird that survived collision. Bird is hysterical, and Tom Cruise and bird enter an intense physical five minute fight. Before Tom kills bird, he clenches and says "Get off my plane."

Scene 14: As plane explodes, slow motion—think famous Mission Impossible scene—of Tom Cruise getting off plane. Lands on rescue boat.

Scene 14: Safely on land, everyone rejoices. Tom Cruise squints, "I'm just a pilot." Then walks off into the sunset.

Scene 15: Cue credits.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

God vs. Chai

Discussing with sis the latest Mighty Leaf tea product (Bombay Chai) we aim to try:

piggie: You know, ever since I tried Chai in that Indian restaurant, I've decided that I love Chai... well, except for the cinnamon bit. Whomever invented cinnamon deserves to rot in hell.

oogie: That's God.

piggie: [pause] Well that's ironic.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Who needs self esteem anyway?

Inspired by a recent Kath & Kim episode, for a limited time only, we shall be selling tshirts with the following phrase:

I'd have sex with you, but I just got self esteem
Are we hilarious or what? We firmly believe that this shall be a big hit among the pro-abstinence set or whichever group that's rediscovering Jesus.
I mean, it's funny and hip, so you can be cool while simultaneously being lame saving yourself.

Of course, (in an attempt to limit any discrimination-based claims), if you are part of the sexually active population, you can also wear the tee, but in a totally ironic way. And if you don't want to be ironic, we plan to sell the same tee with the following written on the back as well:

I'll holler at you next week when I lose it

LOL right??

So. Here’s how to order: Shirt is $.99, leave name, credit card info, address, etc under comments. Expect six-eight weeks for delivery.*

*We reserve the sole and absolute discretion to reject your order on any and all grounds we may desire.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Watchmen = EPIC FAIL!


*Although... Can we talk about Doctor Manhattan's Pah-kage? The one and only redeeming quality in that sh*t show.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Better than watching HSN

From one of several hilarious reviews of Tuscan Whole Milk:
"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!"
This is what I do with my weekends. Read milk reviews online.

Happy weekend!