Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Forwards from Ma: Collard greens image not included


Introducing our new weekly segment: Forwards from ma!

Since our dear mother finished yet another degree, the extra time on her hands is spent forwarding emails to her poor children (and yet she wonders why her computer crashes with her insistence on opening every forwarded attachment). Since we wish not to suffer alone anymore, we will share each week the most ridic of those sent to us. You are absolutely welcome.

An old black man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins III:

I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins, Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Junebugg Jankins III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins, You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Junebugg III.

So there you go. Incarcerated son dupes FBI, who still haven't found those damn bodies, into helping father out. How...sweet?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Summer 2009 Movies roundup, part 2


Away We Go

Gah! Jim is cheating on Pam! What, my SAT score in High School? Why do you ask?


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

With the sequel, they weren't even trying anymore. Film premise: Have Megan Fox run in slow motion in as many shots as possible, and have her mouth permanently in the insert-penis-here position at every turn. Then blow up a lot of things and hope no one notices the blatant exploitation of sexuality.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Thoughts on Michael Jackson

  • I couldn't figure out which picture to go with this blog. The guy had so many different faces.
  • The Michael Jackson South Park episode still remains the funniest shit I have ever seen in my entire life.
  • Thriller still scares me. And I used to know how to do the dance. Ok, parts of it.
  • To the jerk person on facebook who said "Who gives a shit": It is true not everyone need give a shit. For instance, Farrah Fawcett died earlier yesterday. I don't know anything about her. I just know she was on Charlie's Angels, introduced the Farrah Flip, and that's it. I don't even know how she sounds, that's how insignificant she is in my life. Yet, I would never vocally express this sentiment (well. Except as I just did on my blog). Someone just died asshole. Christ I hate when people are mean for the sake of being a contrarian.
  • I cannot stress this enough, but for most people my age and older, especially immigrants, Wacko Jacko (the name I fondly adopted after he um, went nuts) was a big friggin deal. In fact, he represented to most of us what America was: A magical place where Michael Jackson moonwalks and loves everyone and heals the world with his magic (don't go there). Of course, um, we then came here and realized that people were mean! It's ok, we all turned mean too so everybody wins!
  • So yes, RIP you crazy awesome person. You died too young, and I'll always shamelessly rock out to your music.

Man, Farrah, being upstaged even in death

Anyway,


Rest in peace Michael. Your death actually moved this cold soul to tears.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

For you Erica...


When one of our 2.3 readers complains of a lack of posts, we take heed dammit! So without further ado, the post for the week:

Tim Geithner is hot.



Yes, he can waste my tax dollars anytime. LOL! Wow, we're killer.

And uh, that's all I got.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Madness over function


On gchat this morning

Piglet: Worth it?


Links to Stella McCartney monstrosity that costs an arm and a leg


oogie: My eyes! No.

Piglet: But WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??

oogie: Because I don't like it. When it costs 10 bucks, get back to me.

Piglet: But why don't you like it?

oogie: It doesn't look like a functional bag. And that's why I don't like.

Piglet: But why does it have to be functional? WHY?! It's pretty and shiny.

oogie: There's the difference between your mind and mine. I believe, while pretty and shiny, a thing should have a function. That bag holds no function. Looking at it actually fills me with rage.

Piglet: But why does it have to have function? It should just be pretty AND shiny. If it were just pretty, I wouldn't buy it.

oogie: Yeeeah, ok.

Piglet: Die.

oogie:
Thud.

Pregnancy post #2

Quite a number of us single, empty-wombed ladies* tend to judge those anointed few we so contemptuously label “smug preggos”, as if we are not destined to be part of this group one day. Some actions we are known for:
a) Chuckling at the below video,

b) Rolling our eyes at the pregnant friend who is barely into her first trimester yet insists on holding her still-flat belly while waddling everywhere,

c) Calling those women who have done the impossible by birthing babies AND choosing to stay at home “anti-feminists/Nazis”,

d) Smiling with glee at a friend's post-pregnancy pictures as posted on Facebook that reveal i) an aesthetically-challenged baby and ii) 95 pounds of “pregnancy weight” on a once lithe frame.
And yet, likelihood of us joining this awesomely exclusive group are pretty high. To fully determine this likelihood, please take the following quiz.
a) Do you have the natural propensity of telling people how your way of doing things is the best (Ex: "See, what's so great about me is I don't put sugar in my tea. So edgy")?

b) Have you ever said out loud "I can't wait to have kids, so I'll show these bitches how it's done."?

c) Are you a snob?

d) Do you daydream of having kids so you can legitimately go to strawberry/apple/orange/grape/tomato festivals which are super fun but kinda weird to do with similarly "childless" friends?

e) Have you ever said the following, "Pregnancy. It can be such a beautiful thing"?

f) In fact, are you planning on having a child one day?
If you answered yes to 2 or more, then congratulations! You shall be an annoying preggo person as well! Now stop being such a smug single, empty-wombed lady.

*Tongue-in-cheek people!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

With bated breath we waited

The headline grabbing news on this month's Rolling Stone magazine? Adam Lambert is gay!



(Blink... Blink...)





Oh right. Because we were so confused.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Pregnancy post #1

To my pregnant cousin whom I love on most days that begin with a T (Read: Tuesdays):

When you share the following as your Facebook status:
"If pregnancy is this great then that must mean I'm in store for a doozy once baby arrives!!!!"
it is the equivalent of me posting the following status:
"oogie just had rip-roaring great sex last night!!!!"
In both cases, the authors of the above statements are class A douches. Since I can't block you and such statements offend me to my very core, please shut up.

Many thanks,
oogie.

(And Happy Friday all!)