Saturday, February 27, 2010

Abortion is simply that: Her Choice

The New York Times featured an article on the latest anti-choice movement, which claims that abortion is at the center of a long-running conspiracy to annihilate the black race. (Seriously…)

To disseminate this message, the Georgia Right to Life organization has funneled significant amounts of funding towards displaying billboards claiming that “black children are an endangered species”, developing a website detailing the conspiracy and hiring a black minority outreach coordinator to spread this “knowledge” among black communities. In addition, the anti-choice Mark Crutcher has produced a documentary on the connection between abortion and black genocide, all the while comparing abortion to Nazi tactics and slavery. Planned Parenthood, of course, is primarily targeted as being the primary vehicle for fulfilling the genocide mission.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

For once, let’s get this straight. In addition to offering abortion services, Planned Parenthood offers sexual education information, reproductive health services, including birth control. The attempt of the anti-choice movement to attack Planned Parenthood and to prevent it from operating in black communities means that the anti-choice movement intends to prevent members of the black community from having access to affordable birth control and reproduction education services. Quite obviously, the reduction in available sexual education and birth-control services in any community will result in an increase in unwanted pregnancies. And with unwanted pregnancies come increased abortions. Within their own camps, the failure of their arguments is quite evident- take a simple look at the results of Sarah Palin’s insistence on abstinence-only programs in schools and the result of a teenage pregnancy within her own family. Logic, apparently, is not the forte of the anti-choice movement.

More importantly, are blacks to listen to the anti-choice movement on abortion and black genocide? The anti-choice movement is born primarily of the religious right and has members that consist primarily of white republicans who care so much of the plight of minorities and yet will not hesitate to disparage unwed black mothers, deny them welfare benefits and all the while ensuring that their children, who make up less than 12% of the population, make up more than 50% of the jailed population. (Let’s not get started on the socio-economic cycle involving unwed black mothers and poverty). And when pushed to make a change and improve the circumstances of this demographic, these same members channel our beloved Senator Bunning to say, “tough shit”.

Most, if not all, anti-choice arguments rest on the foundation of a woman’s presumed stupidity. And with the latest claims of abortion-related black genocide, the black person’s presumed stupidity. The NY Times article quoted a pro-choice black female college student who, after viewing Mark Crutcher’s documentary, said, “[If I were to get pregnant now,] maybe I should want to keep my child no matter what my position was, just because of the conspiracy.” That statement = Education FAIL because how about this for a mind-blowing curve ball: DON’T GET PREGNANT?!

This latest campaign of the anti-choice movement is beyond insulting. Black people should and do have more sense than falling for this hateful and racist rhetoric. A woman’s choice to have an abortion remains a choice and NOT her contribution to an alleged black genocide.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

This may be the hardest Lent yet

I'm giving up cocaine for Lent. Or perhaps Meth? Now, my Catholic mother's outrage aside, shouldn't the abstention taken up during this glorious holiday include things that we've wondered about? And not necessarily behaviors or habits in which we already engage? I know this is irrefutable because I initially decided to do away with carbs, found this too hard after the toast I had for breakfast, then I considered giving up my Sunday mornings by attending church every Sunday during lent, and this was even harder (um, brunch? Like, helloooo???). So, I settled on something that would be the least offensive. And this was cocaine.

Please wish me luck and check back periodically for updates on my progress.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

All hail the blessed mother! The impossible hath been done as thou hath createth life…eth

This rant is dedicated to those friends (you know who you are) who recently went where no mortal had gone before- they (gasp!) created life. To say that motherhood gave these women unprecedented airs is to make the understatement of the month.

Take the instance of my friend, T, who gave birth about seven months ago but failed to notify me of her, uhm… miracle. Instead, I found out via searching her Facebook profile when I began to wonder if Friend T had the baby yet since otherwise, she’d have to be 10 or 11 months pregnant. And sure enough, she’d squeezed out her child six weeks earlier. I call her immediately, “Hey T, I just saw you had the baby! Congratulations! Call me when you can!” A couple of weeks pass and I still had no response to my call, which was unlike her. I call her again, “Hey T! Just calling to say hi. Give me a call when you can.” 5 months later and still no response from Friend T. I simply deduce that chick is upset with me for not calling once she’d given birth, an action that would have been damn near impossible since (a) she chose not to notify me that baby Z (*not actual name) was born despite her weekly calls throughout her pregnancy to update me on such inanities as her daily flatulence, the changing weight of her boobs and the green ooze that once leaked out of said boobs and her husband’s audacity to request sex once in six months despite being fully aware that she was creating life and didn’t he know the future baby Z could be the next Einstein (yeah heifer- Charles Manson was also gestating at one time) and (b) it is NOT my fault that I blocked your Facebook profile after your incessant Farmville games saturated my news feed so how was I to know that 6 weeks earlier, you announced that labor pains were akin to a single mosquito bite and “[your] mother was a liar, yo!” and that baby Z had arrived?

Anyway, after 5 months of complete and utter silence, 2 days ago, Friend T resurfaces to condescend to write on my Facebook wall, “hey girl...i miss you...hope your [sic] doing well!!

The nerve! I, of course, had to respond accordingly, “Hey- I'm doing well. How are you? I know you're super busy but we should definitely catch up whenever YOU have time to return ONE of my calls :)”

Shocker! She hasn’t responded.

So what really is the purpose of this rant? Friend T is not the first new mother to behave thusly. For some reason, some people believe that childbirth designates them as some hallowed and blessed being. (Newsflash- WRONG!) Said people seemingly expect that by sheer intuition (and perhaps a dash of divine intervention and/or related communication) the rest of us lowly mortals shall become apprised of the birth of their child because god forbid we don’t intuitively know 10 minutes or less after the placenta slides out to congratulate them on this miraculous feat. It is beyond irritating that I have to explain to friends like T that it is not personal; most people have busy lives that prevent us from idly waiting for some divine communication that you’ve given birth. Wait! What was that? We should just know? We should put our lives on hold and stalk YOUR lives to know when your baby has arrived? Well! OUR BAD!

But I must be off- divine communication coming through- Baby Z just pooped. Accordingly, I now must call to congratulate Friend T.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Infidelity, we canNOT condone

This past Tuesday, Oogie reads to me from an article, "Gadbourey Sidibe, star of the movie, Precious, announced in a recent interview that she wants Justin Timberlake to be her date to the Oscars."


"Well he can't take her because- doesn't he have a girlfriend?"

This has to be an IQ test

Because there's just no other reason for this:

A $1,960 Louis Vuitton trash bag purse.

I swear, anyone who purchases this thing deserves to die.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Because underwear is so complicated

Oogie and Piglet's 10 Different ways to wear underwear

(As inspired by all the "10 different ways to …" lists out there)

1. Inside Out. I also like to call this style, "Laundry Day".

2. Inside Out, Non-Laundry Day version. This is also called the energy efficient version, where you can double the number of days you have available clean underwear! Think of all the gallons of water being saved!*
*This comment not sponsored by any tree hugging organization.

3. Commando/Not wearing underwear at all (energy efficient version #2).

4. Over clothing, a la manner of Lady Gaga.

5. Boy shorts as hot pants/short shorts (your pick).

6. Recession version: Convert old underwear to a thong. For this you will need:

a) Old Underwear. It can be yours or someone else's. Your discretion. But if it belongs to someone else, please let them know first.
b) Non-permanent Marker (Sharpie makes great ones). The marker will be used for tracing the design for the thong.
c) Scissors. The scissors should be used for cutting along the design marking traced on the Underwear.

7. As an Accessory. They already come equipped with elastic bands, and what else do you need for accessories? Think headbands! Bracelets! Necklaces!

Fig: The Piglet posing in faux fashion blog pose. Eyes blacked out to keep parole officer from tracking down.

8. Underwear layering. This will be especially useful in the wintertime when you find yourself still feeling cold despite that customary single layer of underwear. This is also strongly recommended for that endangered species of human, aka the Virgin, entwined in relationships with frisky boyfriends. Once a boyfriend catches glimpse of 7 (or more) layers of underwear, he quickly shall lose interest in your unwaxed nether regions and focus on your boobs instead. As God intended.

9. Women wearing men's underwear, and vice versa. Aside from the cool factor, it is such a thrilling factor to know your boyfriend, who is very important at his job, is wearing your silky underwear at his 10am business meeting. And we all know he thinks it's sexy you're wearing his boxers. This was copied from a cosmo magazine issue; I'm pretty darned sure I didn't come up with this on my own.

10. Cutoffs.

Please tune in next week for our much anticipated blog on "10 things to do with Shower Caps."