Sunday, February 14, 2010

All hail the blessed mother! The impossible hath been done as thou hath createth life…eth

This rant is dedicated to those friends (you know who you are) who recently went where no mortal had gone before- they (gasp!) created life. To say that motherhood gave these women unprecedented airs is to make the understatement of the month.

Take the instance of my friend, T, who gave birth about seven months ago but failed to notify me of her, uhm… miracle. Instead, I found out via searching her Facebook profile when I began to wonder if Friend T had the baby yet since otherwise, she’d have to be 10 or 11 months pregnant. And sure enough, she’d squeezed out her child six weeks earlier. I call her immediately, “Hey T, I just saw you had the baby! Congratulations! Call me when you can!” A couple of weeks pass and I still had no response to my call, which was unlike her. I call her again, “Hey T! Just calling to say hi. Give me a call when you can.” 5 months later and still no response from Friend T. I simply deduce that chick is upset with me for not calling once she’d given birth, an action that would have been damn near impossible since (a) she chose not to notify me that baby Z (*not actual name) was born despite her weekly calls throughout her pregnancy to update me on such inanities as her daily flatulence, the changing weight of her boobs and the green ooze that once leaked out of said boobs and her husband’s audacity to request sex once in six months despite being fully aware that she was creating life and didn’t he know the future baby Z could be the next Einstein (yeah heifer- Charles Manson was also gestating at one time) and (b) it is NOT my fault that I blocked your Facebook profile after your incessant Farmville games saturated my news feed so how was I to know that 6 weeks earlier, you announced that labor pains were akin to a single mosquito bite and “[your] mother was a liar, yo!” and that baby Z had arrived?

Anyway, after 5 months of complete and utter silence, 2 days ago, Friend T resurfaces to condescend to write on my Facebook wall, “hey girl...i miss you...hope your [sic] doing well!!

The nerve! I, of course, had to respond accordingly, “Hey- I'm doing well. How are you? I know you're super busy but we should definitely catch up whenever YOU have time to return ONE of my calls :)”

Shocker! She hasn’t responded.

So what really is the purpose of this rant? Friend T is not the first new mother to behave thusly. For some reason, some people believe that childbirth designates them as some hallowed and blessed being. (Newsflash- WRONG!) Said people seemingly expect that by sheer intuition (and perhaps a dash of divine intervention and/or related communication) the rest of us lowly mortals shall become apprised of the birth of their child because god forbid we don’t intuitively know 10 minutes or less after the placenta slides out to congratulate them on this miraculous feat. It is beyond irritating that I have to explain to friends like T that it is not personal; most people have busy lives that prevent us from idly waiting for some divine communication that you’ve given birth. Wait! What was that? We should just know? We should put our lives on hold and stalk YOUR lives to know when your baby has arrived? Well! OUR BAD!

But I must be off- divine communication coming through- Baby Z just pooped. Accordingly, I now must call to congratulate Friend T.

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