Sunday, June 27, 2010

Next week's sermon: Was God...black?



And now, a Sunday sermon on Abraham

Abraham, was he really that faithful?  Why such blasphemy, you may ask.  Well, let’s address the bible story in which Abraham takes his son, Isaac, to the top of a mountain for sacrifice.  I ask, is it not possible that Abraham went along with God's directive to have Isaac sacrificed because in his mind was the unspoken thought, "I'm probably not the father, anyways"?  (Hear me out here- In those times when the world did not have Maury Povich to announce “You are NOT the father”, surely we can understand the possibility of such a doubt?  At the time of Isaac's conception, Abraham was 5,503 years old.  (No, really).  Plus, Sarah had been shown to be bitter about the chicks on the side (that she mostly pimped to him, granted (citation pending)).  And then how random that two guys claiming to be Angels (uh huh) would show up and crash at the pad and then a few days later the lady becomes pregnant!  Oh yeah, Abraham had thoughts.)

Moving along, the second point I need to make is, have we ever considered how fucked up it must have been for Isaac, thinking he is going on an animal-sacrificing excursion with the dad, only to be tied up and lain on top of twigs once they arrive at their destination?  To then watch with fear as his “father” raises the knife, aims for his throat, only to stop in midair, looking at the skies (this is when God has interfered- but as we all know, God only talks personally to people and nobody else hears- but to Isaac, his father is taking a break prior to killing him), then turning around observes aloud, "Oh, there's a lamb."  Isaac is then untied, the lamb is killed instead, and then they both head home afterward.  The question becomes:  Had senility kicked in or was Abraham so one-track minded and practical he decided since God was late on providing a lamb, they might as well kill Isaac so he will come home in time for supper?  Poor Isaac, he must have been traumatized beyond words after this.

So the lesson today folks is that Abraham wasn't that faithful, just a lousy father.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Another blog post about something we hate!



Q:  How many hipsters does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A:  Some obscure number.

Yes, hipsters are annoying.  In a new segment that we will probably soon get tired of, we present scenarios involving hipsters and how to deal with them.  Scenario #1:  The hipster and his love of obscure music.

Normal person:  So what's that you're listening to?

Hipster: This band Spoonfuls and Forks, you probably haven't heard of them.  They're this garage band from Kansas.  They're sort of starting out now.  They have this sound that is just out of this world.

Normal Person: Spoonfuls and Forks?  Oh yeah I've heard of them.  I heard them on the radio the other day on Z100?  Ryan Seacrest goes on and on about them.  Actually I think they opened for Backstreet Boys.  In Atlantic City.

Hipster:  Um.  I don't shower.


Next week:  How to tell when a hipster is either male or female.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

It's cool again to hate soccer


At the tender age of 26, I oogie, a Nigerian expat, finally accepts that she friggin hates soccer and will not be participating in the World Cup viewing festivities*

Why I will not be viewing the World Cup:
  • Because each game is ninety minutes long, with no interruptions except for half time, and on average you get a score of 1-0.  This means you will waste ninety minutes of your life on a single exciting point.  There is also a fifty percent chance this exciting point will not be towards your team.  Which leads to the next reason...
  • The team I root for always loses.  Rooting for Brazil is lazy, and the other countries have ugly colors and/or ugly names.
  • The exciting point that makes up the final score of 1-0 is often a free kick.  That is without a doubt the most anti-climactic aspect of soccer.  You are resigned to being rewarded with a pitiful 1-0 final score, and then this exciting score happens to be a free kick!  It's like every single Super Bowl of your life being a final score made up of field goals.  How is that fun?
  • Football (YES, I said Football!) is more fun than soccer.  Like, hands down.
  • While soccer players are really hot, you can get the same thrill watching tennis which has players with a similar physique.  Tennis is an equally boring game, but you get more close up shots of players, and grunts too.
  • And finally, in a further breakdown of this pitiful game, soccer is fifty percent faking of injuries: A guy gets tapped on the ankle by an opposing player, he lands on the ground, clutching knee, face contorted in such acute pain.  While all this is going on the clock keeps running.  A penalty kick is granted.  Now feeling much better, the player kicks the ball.  Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!  It's minute 20, and the final score will be 1-0.  Yeeeeah, this is fun.
*except to get drunk in bars with friends and meet cute soccer fans