Saturday, June 12, 2010

It's cool again to hate soccer


At the tender age of 26, I oogie, a Nigerian expat, finally accepts that she friggin hates soccer and will not be participating in the World Cup viewing festivities*

Why I will not be viewing the World Cup:
  • Because each game is ninety minutes long, with no interruptions except for half time, and on average you get a score of 1-0.  This means you will waste ninety minutes of your life on a single exciting point.  There is also a fifty percent chance this exciting point will not be towards your team.  Which leads to the next reason...
  • The team I root for always loses.  Rooting for Brazil is lazy, and the other countries have ugly colors and/or ugly names.
  • The exciting point that makes up the final score of 1-0 is often a free kick.  That is without a doubt the most anti-climactic aspect of soccer.  You are resigned to being rewarded with a pitiful 1-0 final score, and then this exciting score happens to be a free kick!  It's like every single Super Bowl of your life being a final score made up of field goals.  How is that fun?
  • Football (YES, I said Football!) is more fun than soccer.  Like, hands down.
  • While soccer players are really hot, you can get the same thrill watching tennis which has players with a similar physique.  Tennis is an equally boring game, but you get more close up shots of players, and grunts too.
  • And finally, in a further breakdown of this pitiful game, soccer is fifty percent faking of injuries: A guy gets tapped on the ankle by an opposing player, he lands on the ground, clutching knee, face contorted in such acute pain.  While all this is going on the clock keeps running.  A penalty kick is granted.  Now feeling much better, the player kicks the ball.  Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!  It's minute 20, and the final score will be 1-0.  Yeeeeah, this is fun.
*except to get drunk in bars with friends and meet cute soccer fans

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