Sunday, July 25, 2010

Next week: Noah, major drunk?

And now, a Sunday Sermon about the Chicken/Egg question

With the recent discovery that the Chicken did in fact come first, any Christian who was waiting for verification through this scientific breakthrough must now acknowledge that they are bad Christians:  When God created the earth, he did not create an egg; he created a chicken.  AND, if we choose to think of this question as applying only to World 2.0, a.k.a the world after the flood, Noah did not bring two eggs into the ark, but two chickens. 

So the lesson here is: a) religion eliminates the need for science as good Christians already know the answers to those "difficult" questions, and b) Aristotle was just stupid.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Heyyyyyyy Piglet

On May 2010 Piglet and her sister Oogie parted ways as roommates.  To the 750 million concerned mutual friends, we don't hate each other and are still friends.  Still, there isn't a doubt that living apart will affect Oogie more, who moved to a less fancy apt in a less fancy neighborhood and who has naturally depended on her older sister more than she cares to admit.  Below, some voice messages left for Piglet in the early stages of not living together.

Voicemail, Tuesday June 2nd, 4:45pm.
Heyyyyyy Piglet, can I get a spare key to your apt?  Apparently no cable in new place and I NEED my Top Chef fix.  Lol!  Call me back, xoxo.  It's oogie.

Voicemail, Thursday June 4th, 10:01am.
Heyyyyy Piglet, can I use your kitchen to make some pesto sauce?  I don't have any pots and I'm trying to budget things for now.  Aaaaanyway, let me know and of course you can have some sauce if you want!  Call me back, xoxo.  It's the sis.

Voicemail, Sunday June 6th, 2:25pm.
Heyy Piglet, it's the oogster again.  I'm sorry I missed our brunch date today.  I keep forgetting that I have to take the bus THEN take a cab THEN walk ten blocks before i can get to the subway station and then transfer three more times before getting to midtown.  But at least my rent is super cheap!  LOL!  Ok call me back!  Super owe you.

Voicemail, Thursday June 10th, 7:18pm.
Heyyyy Piglet, got into a HUGE fight with the roomies about chores.  They got so mad when I suggested they do...anyway it doesn't matter.  Call me back!

Voicemail, Saturday June 12th, 9:11pm.
Heyyyy Piglet, another fight, this time about food.  See, I thought the roomie was making this pasta dish for...the specifics don't matter again, LOL!  Just that she's mad at me and it super sucks!  Call me back!

Voicemail, Tuesday June 15th, 1:54pm.
Heyyy Piglet, just on the way to the UPS headquarters.  Apparently they don't deliver stuff at our neighborhood.  Something about...who cares?  I LOVE it here!  Call me back!  xoxo

Voicemail, Monday June 21st, 8:02am.
Heyyyyy Piglet, can I crash at your place again?

Voicemail, Wednesday June 22nd, 11:16am.
Heyyyy Piglet, I kinda noticed your roomie giving me the stink eye again.  Are you sure she doesn't hate me?  I think she's just jealous that I'm always hanging out at your place and wishes you'd rather hang out with her.  Lol!  Anyway, have fun at work today!  xoxo.  It's oogie.  Your sister.  Byeee!

Voicemail, Wednesday June 22nd, 7:31pm.
Heyyyy Piglet, why aren't you calling me back?  I had a really funny joke to share!  I told one of my roomies but she wasn't amused.  I think it's because she's Indian and it was a joke about this...anyway, call me back it's so funnnnnny!  We should blog about it!  xoxo

Voicemail, Friday July 2nd, 9:22am.
Heyyyy Piglet, just at the police station.  Got mugged on way to getting the paper this morning, bleh.   Call me back!  xoxoxo.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Black woman sues church for performing Gay Marriages

A woman demanded a return of the $250,000 in donations she made to her church due to the church's recent performance of gay marriages.  Now, before we judge, surely we can understand her outrage:  they LIED to her.  

May I suggest that in retribution, all church-going white gay people should plan on suing their church for daring to integrate blacks in the congregation.  Just a suggestion.