Friday, December 9, 2011

True Shame

Oogie, I and a bunch of other friends went to watch Michael Fassbender (a.k.a. FassyB or The Bendster) in all his full frontal glory in the movie, Shame. Two days later, Oogie sends me an email about a conversation she had with a member of her firm’s IT department:


From: Oogie
Date: Fri, Dec 9, 2011 at 3:19 PM
Subject: Re: Random conversations about nothing
To: Piglet in Wellies

Heeeey, Piglet! So funny. This is a convo I had with our IT guy:

Me: Hey IT guy, I’m having problems accessing one of our network directories

IT Guy: Well, one solution might be to boot you out of the domain and ITspeakITspeakITspeakITspeakLinuxWindowsNerdNerdNerd

Me: …ok, I’ll take a break and you can work on my computer

IT Guy: Cool. Please write down your password for me.

Me: …um, sure. Um, IT Guy? (as I write down password), please don’t judge me

IT Guy: (reads password. Shakes head). Sigh, I won’t.

Yes, I recently changed my password, and it is Fassbender1206 (1206 for day we saw Shame :D)


I want to judge her… I really do. BUT…

… and when you throw in full frontal? Sigh. I can’t.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Will air on the Hallmark Channel

Another movie script from the minds that brought you Mission Impossible XXIV!

Christmas With My Dad, the President
President Obama is too busy preventing an Iran Nuclear War to celebrate Christmas!  When Malia suggests he has forgotten the meaning of Christmas, the President must take a step back, and reconsider his priorities.  Should he serve his constituents tirelessly, even when the job has a shelf life of 8 years tops, over spending Christmas with Malia and Sasha, who are losing the father they once knew and loved?

Also starring Santa Claus

Friday, November 25, 2011

And I like movies with God in them!

I must say, such are the repelling powers of Keira Knightley that although I should watch this because God* is in it, I can’t because she is in it too.

*God = Michael Fassbender.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Like, fail?

Something about Post Secret I don't get... Why bother to send in a secret and anonymous post card to an organization aimed for allowing secret soul purging... when the post card sent is in code?

To quote Oogie, "you suck even more when no one can crack whatever frigging message you wish to send out."

or this:

Like, Seriously, Fail.

Curly Nikki's Natural of The Day

Well, not really, but it's only a matter of time.

The Nerve of Her Boobs

Yes, this is about another chat with Piglet and Oogie. But this is legit- it's about the absolutely totally f*cking unacceptable sighting of Scarlett Johansson making out with my darling Joseph Gordon Levitt... I mean, MY Joseph! To wit:


Anyway, the following g-chat ensues:

Piglet: This is not even debatable (*provides link to atrocity). I will kill her. DONE

Oogie: I’m trying to be very composed and dignified. Obviously I am above fighting or being bitter that a man I hypothetically could have had but not so much in reality, chooses someone who isn’t even that pretty. I’m calm. And zen. No, I’m seeing red. I can barely see. kadjafvcvfd; Excluse m.e

Piglet: The nerve of her boobs.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Most of your friends don’t care that John and Jane Smith got married.

A rant, if I may.

And a Facebook-related one, at that. So I ask, what on earth is the purpose of posting an album of a wedding you attended to your Facebook profile that is private to all Facebook users but your Facebook friends?

I missed the wedding of my friend, Amanda, this past weekend. One of her friends in attendance posted the album to her Facebook profile and had the album’s accessibility limited to her friends. Not even the “Friends of Friends” could view the damned album. Amanda’s friend has, perhaps, THREE friends in common with Amanda. So Amanda’s friend gets to naturally select which three of Amanda’s friends get to see Amanda’s wedding. Like, for serious?

A few things, dear Amanda’s friend (and all of you Facebook users who do this crap), most of your 1,428 friends do not care that Amanda married the guy she met playing beer pong after a wet t-shirt contest during Mardi Gras (or was it the guy she met after cheating on Mardi Gras guy?). But Amanda’s friends do care to see that she got married. I get the need to keep certain things about YOUR life limited to YOUR friends. But this Facebook album about AMANDA’S wedding has, maybe, ten pictures of you (unless you’re a narcissistic and self-centered sh*t, as well) so perhaps you should keep the album public to “Friends of Friends” so that friends of Amanda who actually give a crap about HER life can see HER wedding. (Unless you’ve doctored the album to superimpose your face on her body, then I totally understand).

And for the record, I’m not hating. Just pissy.

Or maybe he just likes the taste of his foot.

It seems that every news outlet has been reporting about Brad Pitt’s super insensitive comments about his ex wife, the human American Apple Pie, aka Jennifer Aniston. These comments primarily center around his statements blaming his marriage to American Pie for the fact his life was boring and blah and blah. Usually, I avoid most Brad Pitt-related news since dude is as boring as clay, but I have been following this story with some sort of perverse pleasure.

Why? For the past seven years, only two people suffered for the shitty way HE ended his relationship: He cheated on American Pie, dumped her publicly and immediately after, he starts dating the Anorexic Vampire with whom he adopts a brood of United Nations- sanctioned kids, and then proceeds on a public path to canonization. All that dude needed was a litter of puppies for the image to be complete. Anyway, no one ever EVER castigated Brad Pitt but American Pie became the old maid, the bitter and miserable female, etc. etc. AND! People dumped on her each time she said something as innocuous as, “I’m single”! And as much as I disliked the Anorexic Vampire, she was always the other woman even though it takes two people to create the “other woman."

So there you have it. Brad arrogantly assumed that enough time had passed because, you know, people love the heck out of him (I mean, are there not a million and a half articles about his awesomeness and that of the Anorexic Vampire and their children and doesn’t everyone just LOVE a woman who can’t get enough of being a mother? And what vial of blood talkest thou of?) . And with this incorrect assumption, he decides that “oh, I now can be honest about my love.” No, em-effer, you can’t be because the foundation of your love is gross and, yes, disgusting. Jen’s very famous statement “a sensitivity chip is missing” stays relevant. The tide is turning, and people finally are beginning to dislike him. Took them seven years but FINALLY, subconsciously, people are now disliking him. Don’t let it ever be said that we only bash the Anorexic Vampire.

Side note, weren’t they gosh oh so darned cute together?!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

It's like the Master Cleanse all over again

After a two-week trip to Japan where she admittedly spent most of the trip gorging on the various delicacies of the country, Piglet returned to the U.S. with a seemingly permanent food hangover that prompted a 5 day tester of the Raw Food Diet.  And as the following email exchange on day 2 shows, well, she didn't quite make it:

Wednesday, September 21.  10:00am
Oogie:  How’s it going?
Piglet:  Wonderful.  I feel hungry, but my insides feel clean, you know?

Wednesday, September 21.  12:37pm
Oogie:  How’s it going?
Piglet:  Quite well.  I’m thinking I should have a bison burger for lunch
Oogie:  …wha?
Piglet:  LOL, kidding! Like, LOL.
Oogie:  Heheh, LO..right

Wednesday, September 21.  4:11pm
Piglet:  Is Mayo raw?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Columbine WAS in Guam, after all.

Yesterday, a gunman opened fire in a Nevada IHOP, wounding seven and killing four. Speaking to authorities (and the media) about the shooting, Ralph Swagler, American extraordinaire, says, "This happens in third-world countries, not here."

Third-world countries??? Silly, American. This stuff actually does not happen in third-world countries. They don't have IHOPs.

Well. He is only ½ Kenyan, after all.

Uhm... Obama has some small feet:

And you know what they say about feet...
P.s., put a shirt on! That's the President for sh*t's sake.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Why I shouldn't have kids

Me:  I mean, you don't just throw out the bath water with the baby!

Friend:  Um.  You mean, BABY with the bath water.

Me:  Right.

Happy Friday.