Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Or maybe he just likes the taste of his foot.

It seems that every news outlet has been reporting about Brad Pitt’s super insensitive comments about his ex wife, the human American Apple Pie, aka Jennifer Aniston. These comments primarily center around his statements blaming his marriage to American Pie for the fact his life was boring and blah and blah. Usually, I avoid most Brad Pitt-related news since dude is as boring as clay, but I have been following this story with some sort of perverse pleasure.

Why? For the past seven years, only two people suffered for the shitty way HE ended his relationship: He cheated on American Pie, dumped her publicly and immediately after, he starts dating the Anorexic Vampire with whom he adopts a brood of United Nations- sanctioned kids, and then proceeds on a public path to canonization. All that dude needed was a litter of puppies for the image to be complete. Anyway, no one ever EVER castigated Brad Pitt but American Pie became the old maid, the bitter and miserable female, etc. etc. AND! People dumped on her each time she said something as innocuous as, “I’m single”! And as much as I disliked the Anorexic Vampire, she was always the other woman even though it takes two people to create the “other woman."

So there you have it. Brad arrogantly assumed that enough time had passed because, you know, people love the heck out of him (I mean, are there not a million and a half articles about his awesomeness and that of the Anorexic Vampire and their children and doesn’t everyone just LOVE a woman who can’t get enough of being a mother? And what vial of blood talkest thou of?) . And with this incorrect assumption, he decides that “oh, I now can be honest about my love.” No, em-effer, you can’t be because the foundation of your love is gross and, yes, disgusting. Jen’s very famous statement “a sensitivity chip is missing” stays relevant. The tide is turning, and people finally are beginning to dislike him. Took them seven years but FINALLY, subconsciously, people are now disliking him. Don’t let it ever be said that we only bash the Anorexic Vampire.

Side note, weren’t they gosh oh so darned cute together?!

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