Thursday, November 15, 2012

Me thinks I should be concerned

So my darling sister, Oogie, is the primary beneficiary of my rather lucrative life insurance policy when I die. Today, she just sends me a GChat:

Oogie:  "I have a question."
Piglet:  "What?"
Oogie:  "Since you have student loans, won't all your extra money go to your loans if you die?  I ask because, this is the only reason I keep cooking "well" for you."
Piglet:  ...?

I truly am at a loss as to how to process this.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Office memos received from what is categorically The Most Awkward Black Person Ever in the history of Offices

To:  Everyone

I found this afternoon’s discussion of the presidential election in the break room extremely offensive.  Why, you may ask.  Because I am clearly African American, I am pretty sure that everyone automatically is assuming that I am an Obama fan.  Such assumptions are hurtful and, dare I say, racist.  Therefore, I would appreciate it if we kept politics away from the workplace.

To:  Everyone

People make too many jokes in the office.  When there is a lot of laughter (especially when not immediately explained to me), I, as a minority, feel uncomfortable and fairly suspect you are making some racist joke, and very likely at my expense.  This is very offensive to me.  I'd like to suggest more transparency in jokes that are uttered in the office.  Please feel free to let me know your thoughts.

To:  Everyone

It offends me that St. Patrick's Day is a celebration people get very excited about in the office.  It especially bothers me because MLK day comes and goes with hardly any recognition other than a day off.

To:  Everyone

With Halloween coming up, please refrain from wearing Blackface (please see the attached.)  Thank you.

To:  Everyone

It has come to my attention that not everyone was amused by my Whiteface this Halloween.  This was my attempt at showing you guys that I can have a sense of humor, since it was brought to my attention that many find me humorless.  To anyone who may have found my Whiteface offensive, might I remind you that only white people can be racists?  I have attached a recent article on the Systematic Implausibility of Reverse Racism with a foreword by Clarence Thomas.  Also, this month’s book club selection shall be A Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave by Frederick Douglass.  Thanks.

To:  Everyone

I would like to clarify my earlier memo about usage of the word "black".  I just think, when describing things with this word, there really should be some explicit clarification that this is not being used in a racial manner.  For instance, saying quite loudly in the office that you prefer your coffee black may have double meanings, such as a preference for black men/women.  This is extremely distressing to me as an African-American.  However, if there were some qualification to indicate nothing racial was meant, then nobody will be offended.  I hope this clears things up.

Everything must fit neatly in a box.

Guys who apply chapstick in public deserve a category:  GuysWhoApplyChapstickInPublic.

'nuff said.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

And his balls. Do not forget his balls. Someone has to remember them.

Oogie is turning 27 (:D) and she’s throwing a party for which she sends out a mass email inviting various friends. Three days later, a male invitee responds to her email by way of the annoyingly overused “reply all” medium:

Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 3:17 PM

[Name redacted to save his pride]

Going to run this by my girlfriend and see. Hopefully we can make it =).

I’m reading this email with annoyance, irritation and every mood between, and contemplating the nastiest possible retort when I receive the following from Oogie:

Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 3:28 PM,

Oogie wrote:

I now propose: Reply-All responses to the email of [Name redacted to save his pride]:

“Who are you?”

“First girlfriend, huh?”

“Ok. And while at it, also run by your girlfriend the possibility of getting your balls back”

“No seriously, who are you?”

“Do you have friends?”

“Oogie, I’m not coming to your party if he comes.”

“It’s not my party dude, but I am uninviting you.”

“What is your girlfriend’s email? We would like to respond to you but think this will be a more direct route.”

Brilliant. Oogie may kill me, but I’ve already sent off Response 8. And yes, I replied all.